Local radio DJs already running short of hot weather songs
Local radio DJs say their heatwave playlists are already reaching crisis point.
Michael Buble set to be unfrozen for Christmas
Crooner Michael Buble will be brought out of his state of cryogenic stasis to record a seasonal album. With Britain now well into the Christmas season, according to the catalogue companies, the handlers of Canadian crooner and ubiquitous festive stalwart Michael Buble, have decided it’s time for him to reappear and do his thing. Speaking
Heatwave sees a huge rise in tattoo-related conversations
The warm and sunny weather has led to a huge increase in people with tattoos explaining to everyone concerned why they got that barely legible ink last autumn.
Ethnic cleansing is bad, unless we’re the ones doing it, insist Israelis
As National Holocaust Memorial Day came to a close, people were reminded that the most despicable act in human history must never be repeated, except under certain permissive circumstances.
Michael Buble set to be unfrozen for Christmas
Crooner Michael Buble will be brought out of his state of cryogenic stasis to record a seasonal album.
Pope successfully keeps a straight face while calling for ‘end to superstition and magic’
The world’s most prominent believer in the supernatural has appealed to people to stop following outdated and unfounded beliefs.
Muslim man flying England flag outside mosque throws ‘brave patriot’ into confusion
A man of a different faith and ethnicity has confounded far-right groups by vociferously supporting the England team at an International sporting event.
Vivaldi’s Four Seasons reduced to Two in light of climate change
Antonio Vivaldi’s Four Seasons concerti will now consist of just two seasons, because that’s all there are these days.
Single man proudly displaying Christmas cards from his utility providers
A single male from Bracknell has received more adverts disguised as Christmas cards than actual Christmas cards so far this year, but is nonetheless happy to display them around his home. 37-year-old Simon Williams, who lives alone and often thinks about writing a novel, had this to say, “From a distance they look very festive,
Michael Buble set to be unfrozen for Christmas
Crooner Michael Buble will be brought out of his state of cryogenic stasis to record a seasonal album.
It’s only cheap if you were going to buy it anyway, Black Friday shoppers told
People shopping for “amazing deals” this weekend have been reminded that they are not, in fact, beating the system.
Human race once again presses snooze button on climate ‘wake up call’
Humanity wants just five more minutes before it gets on with reversing climate change, statistics reveal today.
Sunny weather sees a huge rise in tattoo-related conversations
The warm and sunny weather has led to a huge increase in people with tattoos explaining to everyone concerned why they got that barely legible ink last autumn.
Everyone will just have to work a bit harder, insists retired Brexiteer
A retiree can’t understand why moving the retirement age is a problem for anyone who has yet to retire.
Man promises not to enjoy night out without girlfriend
A woman has allowed her partner to go out for the evening, on the condition that he won’t have that good a time.
Well-behaved children to be given coal this Christmas
Nice children will be rewarded with fossil fuel this Christmas, sources have revealed.
Single man proudly displaying Christmas cards from his utility providers
A single male from Bracknell has received more adverts disguised as Christmas cards than actual Christmas cards so far this year, but is nonetheless happy to display them around his home.
Describing everything as a crisis ‘has reached crisis point’ says BBC
BBC News is looking for alternative words to mean ‘bad thing’, sources have revealed this morning.
Russian advance halted by temporary Facebook profile picture
As the Russian war machine rumbles towards Kyiv, a plucky band of westerners have defied Putin by temporarily replacing sparkly dog ears with a national flag.
Christmas cancelled as Santa gets better offer from haulage company
Christmas has been cancelled after Santa has taken a more lucrative delivery job in the haulage industry.
Human race once again presses snooze button on climate ‘wake up call’
Humanity wants just five more minutes before it gets on with reversing climate change, statistics reveal today.
Muslim man flying England flag outside mosque throws EDL into confusion
A man of a different faith and ethnicity has confounded far-right groups by vociferously supporting the England team at an International sporting event.
Britain braces itself for summer of awful British tourists
The British tourism industry is both relieved and utterly dismayed that nobody will be going abroad this year.
We thought you knew cronyism was part of the deal, Conservatives tell public
The Conservatives are apparently baffled by allegations of corruption, given they assumed the electorate was fully aware of what they were like.
New strain proves that post-Brexit Britain still capable of making things that lead the world
A new and more deadly virus strain has silenced critics who believe the UK will no longer be a manufacturing powerhouse after Brexit.
Our group should be vaccinated first, insists every group
Every conceivable social group is stating that they should be the first to benefit from any vaccine made available to the public, according to reports this morning.
‘Why aren’t businesses ready for Brexit?’ asks government that has been missing Brexit deadlines since 2016
The government is concerned that businesses are not yet ready for something that they think probably won’t happen.
Virus that can tell the difference between colleagues and friends continues to baffle scientists
A virus that can somehow discriminate between business and social interactions continues to mystify the brightest minds in the scientific community.
Seven Dwarfs eject Sneezy
A group of friends has evicted it’s most infectious member to comply with new government guidelines.
Conspiracy theorist who refuses to wear a mask still confident tinfoil hats are effective
A man who thinks COVID-19 is a hoax and that masks are completely pointless and nothing more than a badge for the gullible, still believes the CIA is reading his thoughts and only his tinfoil hat can protect him.
