Nice children will be rewarded with fossil fuel this Christmas, sources have revealed.
In a reversal of the previous system, naughty children will now be punished with useless toys and games, whereas nice children will be rewarded with combustible fuel with which to heat their homes.
Father Christmas addressed reporters from his increasingly unstable home on an ice shelf at the North Pole, telling them, “In previous centuries, getting coal as a present was a deliberate insult because of it’s colour, cheap price, and simply because there was so much of it about it wasn’t considered very exciting.
“Nowadays, having a warm home is considered something of a seasonal miracle. Therefore, badly behaved children this year will be crushed to open gifts of iPads, Playstation 5’s, Lego sets and dirt bikes.
“However, children that have been good all year, will be overjoyed to receive lumps of Earth’s dwindling fossil fuel reserve with which to dry wet clothes or to get a room to a temperature where you don’t have to consider pissing in a bottle and using it to warm your hands.
“Deliveries can be expected on Christmas Eve or up to five weeks later, depending on the situation in Ukraine.”