Christmas has been cancelled after Santa has taken a more lucrative delivery job in the haulage industry.
Father Christmas has given up self-employment following huge demand for those with delivery experience and the ability to deliver large volumes of goods in very short spaces of time.
Speaking from his distribution warehouse in the North Pole, Saint Nicholas told reporters, “I was on a zero-hours contract, typically getting about one delivery shift a year, and the rest of the time I was trying to make ends meet in the toy factory.
“And I was expected to deliver the entire world in that one night? Sod that. Even an Amazon driver would baulk at that sort of schedule. Plus I was expected to take the parcel inside, not simply drop kick it into a neighbour’s garden like they are allowed to do.
“The wages were a complete joke. I reviewed the contract and the only remuneration I got was, “bringing joy to people across the globe”, and “warming hearts with the true spirit of Christmas”. Oh, and reindeer food for mileage covered. Plus I’d get the odd mince pie and glass of sherry that I couldn’t drink because I was on duty. It was absolute bullshit.
“Then I heard that the people of the UK had voted to get rid of all their heavy goods drivers for some unfathomable reason. So I sent off my CV, stating that I had HGV experience from driving that articulated lorry for Coca-Cola from 1995 to the present.
“A letter immediately fluttered down my chimney offering me £1,100 per week, including weekend enhancements.
“I’ll still be going ‘HO, HO, HO!’, but it’ll be at you when you’re in a queue for the supermarket.”