Thursday 15 April 2021 by Alex Webster

We thought you knew cronyism was part of the deal, Conservatives tell public


Boris Cabinet Meeting

The Conservatives are apparently baffled by allegations of corruption, given they assumed the electorate was fully aware of what they were like.

Tory MPs, civil servants and a former Prime Minister have apparently been ‘shocked’ by allegations of corruption, especially since this is basically the stuff they are put in power by big businesses to carry out.

When asked to investigate these claims and produce a report, the Prime Minister is said to have approached an old school friend, who has called in a favour with a big cheese, who has had a word in the ear of a man who can set wheels in motion.

Purely to get around all the silly red tape, you understand?

A Minister commented, ‘What the hell did you expect when you elected the Conservative Party? It’s a political organisation based entirely on connections formed in the public school system and consequently, the financial sector. I mean, being rotten to the core is pretty much in our manifesto; it’s practically our USP.

“In hindsight, it was a mistake to publish the report on Eton letterhead paper, but I know a chap who can get him off the hook, for a reasonable fee of course.”

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