MP demands return of alchemy to national curriculum
Following his demand for pupils to be clogged up with pounds, acres and bushels, Tory MP Andrew Percy is pushing for other outdated lessons to be returned to the syllabus.
Old man releases awful record
Ageing pop fans are beside themselves this morning, following the release of a dreadful record by an old man.
Long-term unemployed march to Jarrow to demand right ‘not to work’
A group of Britain’s least employed are demanding the right to follow in their fathers’ foot stools, and avoid working for generations to come.
‘Why does Argentina think Cameron reads the Guardian?’ asks everyone
The economic crisis in Argentina has taken a turn for the worse, after their entire military budget was wasted on an advert in a national newspaper.
Britain’s depressed teachers urged to ‘drink more’
Almost 5 years too late, teachers in Britain are finally realising what a hideous mess we’re all in.
New pay-per-view motorway screens to make rubbernecking ‘more immersive’
A new system of screens that will be erected around motorway accidents is set to revolutionise the way motorists rubberneck.
NRA protests screenings of ‘The Impossible’ for not showing how to subdue tsunamis with guns
Gun owners have reacted angrily to a film about the 2004 Tsunami, which fails to show guns being used to solve the problem.
Mayans remove beards, point out hidden cameras
Mayan TV producers are celebrating today, after top hidden camera show, Trigger Nakbe TV, convinced thousands that the world was about to end.
Second Amendment group suggests guns only be sold to ‘sociable morons’
With yet another murderous rampage being carried out by a highly intelligent loner, a pro-gun group is calling for firearms to only be sold to people who can prove they’re gregarious idiots.
Immigrants insist politicians learn to speak English
An immigrant has apologised for his previous policy of nodding and smiling politely, and is now insisting politicians should learn to speak English.
Lawyers looking forward to ‘big day’ of first gay divorce
With same-sex weddings just around the corner, lawyers are rushing to pick out a new suit for the first gay divorce.
Motorists reminded fog lights aren’t bloody Christmas decorations
Britain’s drivers are being gently reminded that those really bright lights on both ends of their cars aren’t for celebrating Christmas.
Potato wins talent show
A popular talent show has chosen a potato as the winner, despite stiff competition from an old shoe and a balloon with a face on.
George Osborne ‘starting to feel more Christmassy’
Chancellor George Osborne has admitted he’s ‘at last starting to feel a bit Christmassy’, after a sudden temperature drop on both sides of the Commons.
French sperm shortage fails to create seasonal shopper stampede
A shadowy marketing group that chooses a product for retailers to run out of each Christmas has admitted that they made a mistake in choosing French sperm for this year’s ‘must have’ item.
‘Offset murder’ offers wealthy an easier way of tackling climate change
A psychopathic think-tank has suggested a radical solution to man-made global warming, by murdering impoverished strangers so the wealthy can offset their carbon emissions.
Microsoft deny making ‘panic decisions’ at launch of tongue-controlled Windows 9
Microsoft has admitted that Windows 8 caused a 25% drop in sales, but denied that ‘panic’ had influenced their decision to hurriedly launch a new tablet controlled by tongue.
Last-minute surge in demand for Mayan apocalypse advent calendars
Britain’s high streets are experiencing a huge surge in last-minute shoppers, desperate to get their hands on a Mayan apocalypse advent calendar.
‘Carry out more research into cheese’ urge lab mice
Lab mice are urging scientists to step up research into the health risks of cheese, after a report suggested that it may contain high levels of salt.
Call to keep GCSEs because Baccalaureate ‘too dangerous to say in Welsh’
An independent report is recommending that Wales continues to allow pupils to sit GCSEs, after a respected headmaster was injured trying to pronounce ‘baccalaureate’ in Welsh.
‘Two and a Half Men’ star confirms Christians have no sense of humour
Angus Jones, the 19 year-old star of sitcom ‘Two and a Half Men’, has proven once and for all that Christians find it impossible to laugh at themselves.
Nick Clegg ‘disappointed’ by unambitious carbon target lies
Nick Clegg has criticized the government’s recently announced energy policy, claiming the lies about carbon targets could have been much more far-reaching and unachievable.
New EU laws demand ‘changes to Britain’s swans’
Angry Eurosceptics are once again crying a wild ‘foul’, with new rules in Brussels threatening to outlaw the traditional British swan.
Scientists discover parasitic worm with ‘basic ability to fiddle expenses’
Filth scientists have discovered a repulsive new species of worm, with a rudimentary ability to commit fraud.
Ordaining female bishops ‘would lead to boobs on Jesus’
Opponents of female bishops have claimed their ordination could undermine the masculinity of Jesus, to the point where ‘he would have to be depicted with an ample pair of breasts’.
Policer Not-Commissioner Prescott blames humbresidians with low turnups
Not commissioner Police-wise Prescott is slamming that humbresidian rabblers, what with turnups being downly and not arseing all too much.
Lidl enters ‘night in for a tenner’ market with pork pie, gin, own-brand pack of condoms
Customers at Britain’s thriftiest supermarket are being urged to ‘spoil themselves’ this week, with a meal offer guaranteed to woo the other half.
Unemployment down as voting on reality shows reclassified as ‘a job’
New government figures show that unemployment has continued to fall, with many now working from home on their sofa and phoning in remotely to reality shows.
Newsnight builds on wave of publicity with Wembley Stadium Live Roadshow
The BBC has announced dates for a ‘Newsnight Live! Roadshow’, so viewers can get ‘up close and personal’ with the topical libel show.
Oil giant hires former archbishop as new global head of marketing
Oil giant Anglican Petroleum has managed to secure the services of a new advertising director, with extensive experience in exploiting poor people right across the globe.
