Friday 16 November 2012 by Waylandsmithy

Lidl enters ‘night in for a tenner’ market with pork pie, gin, own-brand pack of condoms

Customers at Britain’s thriftiest supermarket are being urged to ‘spoil themselves’ this week, with a meal offer guaranteed to woo the other half.

For just ten pounds, lucky shoppers can recreate the misery of going out somewhere awful, without the inconvenience of actually having to leave the house.

“According to our market research, our customers appreciate a bargain”, claimed Head of Produce Martin Dale.

“But they also enjoy drinking quite heavily, and can’t be arsed to cook.”

A focus group called Brian Matthews expressed 100% approval for ‘pork pie’, one of a growing number of ‘superfoods’ which can be opened fairly easily by the pissed.

“And what better way to wash down all that pastry, jelly and ground-up hooves, than with a another mug of our second-cheapest gin?”, enthused Dale.

Lidl dinner for two

Named after Britain’s most average motorway services, Dale explained that Gordano’s Gin recalls half-forgotten Summer memories; queuing on the M4; waiting for the AA; swearing not to do this again next year.

“Just one burp of mechanically reclaimed meat and juniper will bring it all flooding back”, he insisted.

“Why not turn off the heating, dampen your carpet and relive that long fortnight in a Cornish caravan?”

But it’s the ‘afters’ that Dale is most proud of.

“Waitrose might do wine and puds, but we all know the real reason you’ve pushed the boat out”, leered Dale. “With Lidl novelty prophylactics, there’s no need to beat around the bush.”

Shaped like half of Jedward and delicately flavoured a bit like bovril, Lidl’s economy johnnies give nearly as much bang for slightly less buck.

Dale insists its important to pry into the ins and outs of their customers’ lifestyles, but agreed that some will find their uncanny offers a little bit unsettling.

“But we’re here to surprise and delight, there’s more to us than processed meat, cheap booze and replica pharmaceuticals”, said Dale.

“That’s why, every fifth customer gets a free packet of nearly-Rennies.”

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