A popular talent show has chosen a potato as the winner, despite stiff competition from an old shoe and a balloon with a face on.
Simon Cowell hailed the potato as ‘an astonishingly adaptable performer’, after a small plastic guitar was pinned to the front of it.
The result brings to an end a gruelling competition, which saw the potato attempt to wear a variety of hats and carefully vetted edgy personas.
The judges were particularly impressed with a simmering expression the spud mastered which will appeal to the key ‘young teen’ demographic.
Louis Walsh explained that it said ‘I’m a sultry sex tiger’, but stopped short of ‘I’m doing a poo’, or ‘call the Savile police’.
“He’s a lovely, unthreatening vehicle for all the songs I own”, enthused Cowell. “But then I’ve always said that potatoes are incredibly versatile.”
Former potato Gary Barlow wasn’t surprised by the win, knowing how much the public loves a bit of stodge topped with cheese.
“Like me, he has a thick skin and very, very small eyes”, said Barlow. “But more importantly, he’s got an incredibly bland taste.”
The potato is now favourite to be the Christmas No.1, once producers have eliminated any trace of individuality from his performance.
“At the moment he’s still a raw talent”, admitted Cowell. “We’ve got to grind him into a dry powder, before reconstituting him into a malleable, smooth paste.”
“Trust me, I know all about making Smash hits.”