Lab mice are urging scientists to step up research into the health risks of cheese, after a report suggested that it may contain high levels of salt.
Malcolm 245B is a hairless rodent who works in the food industry. For generations, his family has pushed at the boundaries of what passes for food.
The science mouse is particularly proud of his great, great, great-grandfather, who proved only last year that Snak-Eeze Baco-Bites won’t necessarily kill you.
“They say Gerald 231E somehow survived eating more than 2 pounds of synthetic pig flesh in an hour”, enthused Malcolm. “His work sort of showed that the ‘food’ was relatively safe.”
“I heard the celebrations went on for over a minute, before the lab technician took him outside and popped him.”
Malcolm hopes to follow in Gerald’s footsteps, before going out with a similar bang.
“I’m calling for the big man in safety specs to force-feed me cheddar”, he urged, “while bathing me in a fondue and rubbing my belly with a Cheese String.”
Malcolm is pretty sure he won’t survive the experiment, particularly since his great, great-aunt Edna 45F3’s pioneering work on the effects of submerging whiskered mammals in pans of hot dairy product.
“Still, you’ve got to die of something”, shrugged Malcolm. “Where’s the fun in life, if you can’t have a bit of what you fancy?”.
At this point Malcolm finished the interview abruptly, after an electrical probe in his head switched off an important part of his brain.