Tuesday 4 December 2012 by Waylandsmithy

Microsoft deny making ‘panic decisions’ at launch of tongue-controlled Windows 9

Microsoft has admitted that Windows 8 caused a 25% drop in sales, but denied that ‘panic’ had influenced their decision to hurriedly launch a new tablet controlled by tongue.

“While we’ve not done any research yet, we’re pretty sure people are bored with using their thumbs”, insisted Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer.

“People can develop a really personal relationship with their gadgets, and sometimes fingering just isn’t enough to satisfy that.”

Using a new advanced name for glass that responds to inputs made by saliva, Windows 9 has left fanboys drooling to be the first to get their mouths on the device.

Critics gave a mixed response when given the chance to test out a prototype, although some may have been influenced by what the previous reviewer had eaten recently, or how well they brushed their teeth.

“It’s nice to find a device that lets you keep your hands free for something else”, acknowledged Kyle Norman of windowlickers.net.

“But the faint taste of prawn vol-au-vent and garlic bread definitely needs further work.”

Windows 9

Keen to justify the radical new input method at the glitzy NY launch, Steve Ballmer appeared to be struggling as he attempted to french-open a new window.

“Come on you bitch, give it to me”, Ballmer was heard to mutter, as his tongue flirted with the integral micro USB slot.

But he eventually managed to kiss it better, and explain that the product was dishwasher-proof.

Despite the setbacks, Norman still predicts Windows 9 will be flavour of the month.

“Why settle for a half-eaten apple on the back, when you could be licking cake crumbs off the front?”, quizzed Norman.

“Besides, it’s much easier to control than Windows 8: that was designed for assholes.”

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