Wednesday 9 January 2013 by Waylandsmithy

MP demands return of alchemy to national curriculum

Following his demand for pupils to be clogged up with pounds, acres and bushels, Tory MP Andrew Percy is pushing for other outdated lessons to be returned to the syllabus.

“When I ask children today how much wind, fire and earth is needed to build a frog, many of them just stare at me blankly”, opined Percy.

“But with our economic policy relying quite heavily on finding a way to turn base metals into gold, alchemy has never been more important.”

With a universal panacea expected to save the NHS billions, Percy is urging pupils to be ‘less Harry Stiles, and more Harry Potter’.

“Hoping for an army of wizards might seem insanely optimistic”, said Percy, “but a lot of you lot still play the lottery.”

“It only takes a potion of chemicals and the collapse of the fundamental principles of physics, and then we’ll see who’s laughing their tits off at unicorns.”

Call for traditional lessons

Percy has called for sorcerers to offer apprenticeships to otherwise-useless school leavers, which can be paid for later, by anyone who survives to graduation.

“Our nation was built on those prepared to ‘go the extra barleycorn'”, enthused Percy, “but I’d discourage research into the elixir of life.”

“Pensions for the immortal would be crippling.”

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