Thursday 8 November 2012 by Waylandsmithy

Oil giant hires former archbishop as new global head of marketing

Oil giant Anglican Petroleum has managed to secure the services of a new advertising director, with extensive experience in exploiting poor people right across the globe.

Recognised as much for his ‘ground-breaking’ work in Africa as his ‘deeply boring’ missions in the Gulf of Mexico, the ex-archbishop Justin ‘Oil’ Welby has been hired for his ‘slick’ style and laissez-faire attitude to science.

“Obviously, even a lowly sub-vicar is comfortable repeating excuses for things based on no evidence whatsoever”, explained AP’s CEO Jack Hoskins.

“But it takes a full-blown archbishop to convince people that a massive disaster somehow proves that we were right all along.”

Oil companies were once followed without question by people throughout Europe, but a growing band of doubters are now challenging that belief.

And while many continue to buy into petrol, diesel and out-of-date Kitkats, some have lost faith, and turned towards cycleism.

Oil company recruit

Welby has vowed to work with spokesmen for alternative power sources in poor rural areas, and look to build unity between them by supplying all of their lubricant and plastics.

“We’re looking to tap into local communities and explore any common ground we might have, using a second-hand pipeline, and a rusty old drill”, he explained.

“If we spill some it was probably meant to be so: oil moves in mysterious ways.”

Welby insists that oil is a uniquely all-encompassing fluid, particularly if you’re a dead walrus or washed-up sticky sea bird.

“Quite often, oil can be bubbling just under the surface of a remote heathen village, and it’s our duty to visit them, and help draw that out.”

“These people often don’t realise how much they’re undervalued”, he suggested.

“Or the little squares of land that their houses are built on, for that matter. Some might claim that we’re simply exploiting the gullible, but they forget we’re promising a path to eternal salvation.”

“Salvation, and an out-of-town Tesco.”

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