Wednesday 21 November 2012 by Waylandsmithy

Scientists discover parasitic worm with ‘basic ability to fiddle expenses’

Filth scientists have discovered a repulsive new species of worm, with a rudimentary ability to commit fraud.

Dr Susan Longley made the discovery while exploring a crumbling old building by the Thames, when a dozen or so of the creatures tried to steal her purse.

“They’re very deceptive low-life forms”, claimed Longley, “they feed constantly on their hosts through their priggish little mouths.”

“But my calculations suggested they were getting fatter than one might reasonably expect.”

Longley explained that while the parasites appeared to graze delicately on the face of it, they were also sucking in far more than expected below the surface, through specially adapted comfortable seats.

“It’s an appalling example of a bottom feeder”, said Longley, “they set a worrying precedent. In most cases, their anuses are bigger than their mouths.”

Fraud worm

Tucking it away at both ends, only occasionally stopping to spew up bile, Longley is amazed that their hosts still put up with them. “But that’s the clever part”, she insisted.

“Strange as it may seem, these worms have the ability to lie about their hosts”, claimed Longley, “or rent them out to each other, which helps them both to thrive.”

Avoiding detection is crucial, but the benefits are huge: only a select few will emerge from the feeding frenzy as cabbaged moths.

“I found dozens of them snoozing and burping in an ornate upper chamber”, said Longley. “But even as they slept, they were still shovelling it away.”

Longley is normally a resolute conservationist, but the discovery of such a dreadful organism has changed that.

“We should eliminate them, before they bleed us all to death”, she hissed.

“We don’t necessarily have to kill them, but we should at least voice our disgust.”

Longley paused to deal with a worm that was trying to fill two pupae at once: she rolled it over, before gesturing with a raised middle finger.

“I call that ‘flipping'”, she said. “It might seem wrong, but I can assure you it’s perfectly legal.”

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