Carabao Cup semi-final VAR officials enter 15th hour of deliberations
VAR officials have entered their 15th hour of deliberation into a refereeing decision during last night’s Carabao Cup semi-final between Newcastle and Manchester City.
Learner drivers to be taught insults and aggressive hand gestures to better prepare them for UK roads
Learner drivers will be taught a range of vulgar expletive-laden insults and aggressive hand gestures, in order to prepare them better to drive on UK roads, according to government sources today.
‘2026 still pretty shit’ warn Australians
The year 2026 is still ‘pretty shit’ according to Australians who have now begun bringing in the New Year because they live in the future.
‘It just needs to be out of the house by New Year’ insists man eating Chocolate Orange for breakfast
A man eating a chocolate orange for breakfast has insisted today that he just needs to get everything out of the house by New Year.
World’s greatest code breakers enter third day of trying to decipher identity of ‘A’ from ‘Balmoral’
The greatest scientists, code breakers and detectives from around the world have entered the third day of trying to work out who ‘A’ from ‘Balmoral’ could possibly be.
‘Die Hard is NOT a Christmas film’ insists man who doesn’t appear to know what an office Christmas party is
Die Hard is definitely not a Christmas film it has been claimed today, by a man who appears to have no idea whatsoever what an office Christmas party is, or what a Christmas song sounds like.
Black Friday emails now making up 99.85% of all worldwide correspondence
Emails about Black Friday offers are now making up more than 99.8% of all worldwide correspondence it has been revealed today.
Super cool Rachel Reeves to raise sugar tax by like SIX…. SEVEN percent ⁶🤷⁷
Chancellor Rachel Reeves has instantly become the coolest Chancellor in history today by announcing she will raise sugar tax by like SIXXX Seveeeeen percent.
Labour to introduce windfall tax on anyone rich enough to still be setting off fireworks in the middle of sodding November
The government is set to announce a new windfall tax targeting the twats who have enough money to still be setting off fireworks in the middle of November. With the number of dickheads setting off fireworks well into November gradually increasing each day, a new ‘twat’ tax has been approved today by the new chancellor
Man begins weekly task of replacing old uneaten bananas with fresh ones from the supermarket
A man has begun his weekly task today of replacing old uneaten bananas and spuds with fresh ones he’s bought from the supermarket.
‘Oooh, we forgot about that one!’ – Rachel Reeves unveils emergency ‘Trick or Treat’ tax for children
The government has announced an emergency ‘Trick or Treat’ tax for children that will come into force with immediate effect.
Louvre closes again after daylight robbery reported at gift shop
The Louvre has re-opened and then re-closed again today after police were called to a number of reports of ‘daylight robbery’ at the gift shop in the museum.
Donald Trump to spend second day of state visit throwing bricks at police outside migrant hotel
Donald Trump is set to spend the second day of his state visit to the UK standing outside a hotel housing asylum seekers whilst throwing bricks at police.
‘I’m usually very good at conveyancing’ insists Angela Rayner’s legal advisor
Angela Rayner’s legal advisor has insisted today that he is usually quite good at the law around conveyancing and tax obligations, honest.
Deadline day shock as Lee Anderson rejoins Labour until the end of the season
Journeyman politician Lee Anderson has rejoined Labour until the end of the season it has been revealed this afternoon.
‘If we don’t get an extra bank holiday it’s a disgrace’ insists man who didn’t watch one second of Euro 2025
A man has insisted today that it is an absolute disgrace that we don’t get an extra bank holiday to celebrate England’s victory in the Women’s European Championships, despite not actually watching one second of the tournament.
Man’s Spanish holiday completely ruined after finding out it’s warm and sunny at home
A man has had his holiday to Spain completely ruined today, after finding out it is still quite sunny at home.
Man celebrates after being added to 100th unnecessary WhatsApp group that he will never be able to leave
A man is celebrating today after being added to his 100th unnecessary WhatsApp group, from which he will never be able to leave due to his crippling politeness.
BBC apologises for not cutting away from Glastonbury coverage of Rod Stewart
The BBC has admitted today that it should have cut away from live coverage of a Rod Stewart performance at Glastonbury on Sunday.
“I had a 2pm tee time” – Trump explains early G7 departure
Donald Trump was forced to leave the G7 summit early due to booking a 2.07 tee time for a lovely round of golf.
Portugal celebrate winning the Thingy Cup
Portugal are Thingy Cup Champions 2025.
Ireland genuinely considering ‘My Lovely Horse’ as its Eurovision entry after missing out on final yet again
Ireland is genuinely considering ‘My Lovely Horse’ as its next entry for the Eurovision Song contest after failing to reach the final once again this year.
Concern grows at Radio 2 as station goes almost 4 minutes without mentioning Eurovision
Concerns have grown today at Radio 2 after reports emerged that the station went almost FOUR full minutes without mentioning Eurovision.
Audi and BMW in fierce battle to release most arrogant autonomous vehicle
Audi and BMW are engaged in a fierce battle to release the most arrogant and obnoxious self-driving vehicle.
Man furious as wife leaves toilet seat down AGAIN after using the toilet
A man is furious today after finding his wife had left the toilet seat down in the bathroom yet again after using the toilet.
Fury at ‘two-tier’ legal system as tormenting Hawk escapes with 12-month Community Order
Villagers have been left furious at Labour’s two-tier legal system after a Harris Hawk, which has attacked more than 50 people, escaped with a 12-month Community Order.
Birmingham residents celebrate their council tax increase by climbing on rubbish piles and high-fiving rats
It is revealed today that residents of Birmingham have been celebrating their council tax rises by climbing on massive piles of rubbish, jumping up and down, and high-fiving rats.
Man ‘secretly’ vaping on the bus definitely getting away with it
A man discreetly vaping on a bus has definitely got away without anybody noticing, by only blowing out gently downwards towards his legs.
‘No YOU put the phone down first’ – Trump and Putin phone call set to last for days
A phone call between Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin could last for days it has been revealed, after neither party wanted to hang up because they just enjoy talking to each other too much.
Manchester United announce plan to build ‘iconic’ £2bn Big Top fit for World’s Biggest Circus
Manchester United have announced plans to build the biggest Big Top circus tent in the world close to Old Trafford.
