Arsenal release updated club crest where the wheels have completely come off
Arsenal have revealed their brand new club crest which they will be using for the rest of the season, where the wheels have completely fallen off the club cannon.
Man furious as wife once again leaves toilet seat down after using the toilet
A man is furious today after finding his wife had left the toilet seat down in the bathroom yet again after using the toilet.
Melania Trump denies links to Donald Trump
Melania Trump has denied any ties to Donald Trump in a surprise announcement stating that any claims linking the two “need to end today”.
Donald Trump threatens more sweary words if Iran doesn’t do what he wants
Donald Trump has raised the stakes in his threats against Iran by telling them that if they don’t open the Strait of Hormuz, he will say a lot more swear words online.
‘I bloody hate long haul’ – Artemis II passengers complain as entertainment system goes down
The astronauts aboard the Artemis II mission will have to make do without a selection of on-demand movies after the in-flight entertainment system went down.
Couple’s stand off over who empties the food waste bin enters 176th day
A couple’s bitter standoff over whose turn it is to empty the food waste bin at their home has entered its 174th day today, despite the council now legally having to collect it weekly.
Relief as ‘coast to coast’ walking trail finally receives motorway upgrade
The Coast to Coast walking trail has finally been upgraded it is revealed today, with a brand new motorway link to save people having to walk it all the way.
Man enters fourth hour watching reels warning of the addictive nature of social media
A man has entered his fourth hour of watching reels about the addictive and damaging effects of spending too much time on social media.
HS2 to save money by replacing trains with handcars
HS2 trains could be replaced with handcars in order to keep costs down it has been revealed today.
Half-and-half scarves at football matches to become criminal offence
Wearing half-and-half scarves at football matches will become a criminal offence under new laws that come into force before Sunday’s Carabao Cup final at Wembley.
England awarded 1986 World Cup after FIFA overturns Maradona’s handball goal
England have been declared the winners of the 1986 World Cup after FIFA overturned the result of the quarter-final game against Argentina, due to Maradona handling the ball.
Government waits until warmest day of the year to announce support plan for rising heating bills
The government has announces a £53m support plan to help people with rising heating bills, now that the warm weather is here, and nobody needs their heating.
‘Can I also have £75,000 for getting sacked and possibly breaking the law?’ asks rest of population
The UK population has today asked if they would be entitled to a £75,000 government payout after being sacked for possibly breaking the law.
Spurs target swift Champions League exit to focus on relegation
Tottenham have targeted an early Champions League exit in order to focus on relegation from the Premier League.
Number of days since Joey Barton’s last violent assault reverts back to zero
The number of days since Joey Barton last violently attacked someone has reverted back to zero…. again.
XL Bully named Tyson wins hardest dog at Crufts 2026
An XL Bully named Tyson has been crowned the hardest dog at Crufts 2026. Handled by owner Simon Williams, the victorious American XL fought off, quite literally, thousands of other soft arse competitors to be crowned the hardest dog at Crufts. Speaking earlier, a jubilant Williams told us, “He’s hard as fuck to be fair
Man left red-faced during 20-minute queue for Costa drive-thru after remembering he has a kettle at home
A man has been left red-faced today after queuing for twenty minutes at a Costa Coffee drive-through, before suddenly realising that he actually owns a kettle at home. Simon Williams – who also drove 15 minutes to get to the drive-through – realised his embarrassing error just as he was about to pay for the
Oscars organisers desperately trying to work out how to politely refuse entry to guests with Tourette’s
Oscar ceremony bosses are desperately trying to work out the best way to politely refuse entry to anyone with Tourette’s Syndrome.
Arsenal announce annual springtime Premier League capitulation
Arsenal have announced their annual spring capitulation in the Premier League, almost two weeks earlier than usual.
Man who failed at giving up booze in January about to fail at giving up chocolate for Lent
A man who failed miserably to abstain from drinking in dry January, is about to begin his failed attempt at abstaining from chocolate during Lent.
“But I’m really into the curling” insists man defending fifth consecutive day on the sofa
A man has insisted today that he is ‘really into curling’, which means he is unable to help with housework whilst the winter Olympics is still on.
Spurs fan vows to not cut his hair until the team w̶i̶n̶s̶ ̶f̶i̶v̶e̶ ̶g̶a̶m̶e̶s̶ ̶i̶n̶ ̶a̶ ̶r̶o̶w̶ strings five passes together
A crazy Spurs fan has vowed to not cut his hair until the team win five games in a row… wait, no… until the team strings five passes together in a single game.
‘Bad Bunny was sh*t’ insists whichever White House staffer is currently using Donald Trump’s social media
An unknown White House staffer who is responsible for making many of Donald Trump social media decisions, and updating the world on any current US policies, has insisted today that Bad Bunny’s half-time Superbowl performance ‘was shit’.
Lord Mandelson resigns from Labour to pursue dream of becoming Calvin Klein underwear model
Lord Mandelson has resigned from the Labour Party it is revealed today, to pursue his lifelong dream of becoming a Calvin Klein underwear model.
“I think I was at Nando’s this time,” insists Andrew
Andrew Mountbatton-Windsor has insisted today that he did not meet a further woman for sex in 2010 because he had actually gone to Nando’s. In Woking.
Man celebrates after successfully selling left kidney to pay for his daughter’s Harry Styles ticket
A man is celebrating today after successfully selling his left kidney in order to pay for a ticket for his daughter to see Harry Styles at Wembley.
Victoria Beckham spotted rehearsing to Dirty Dancing soundtrack in case another son gets married
Victoria Beckham has been spotted rehearsing to the Dirty Dancing soundtrack, just in case another one of her sons gets married.
David Beckham finally gets to the end of Brooklyn’s social media post
David Beckham has finally finished reading Brooklyn’s social media post it has been revealed today, after staying up all night trying to get to the end of the epic rant. With news emerging yesterday that Brooklyn does not want to reconcile with his family after a bombshell media post, further news has now emerged that
January enters its 57th week
January has entered its 57th week, it has been revealed today.
AI plays no significant role in police decision-making, insists Police Chief Alex Murphy
Police Chief Alex Murphy has today denied that Artificial Intelligence plays a significant role in general policing, according to reports.
