HS2 to save money by replacing trains with handcars

HS2 trains could be replaced with handcars in order to keep costs down it has been revealed today.

With news emerging earlier that trains may need to run at lower speeds in order to save money due to escalating costs of the project, further news has now emerged that the trains may now have to be replaced altogether with 19th-century handcars to try to get the line completed.

Announcing the move earlier, HS2 Chief Executive Mark Wild confirmed, “We need to save some money.

“We can confirm that we have considered a number of cost saving initiatives in order to keep the HS2 project within budget, having now vastly overspent on the construction so far, and effectively achieved the square root of fuck all.

“We will therefore be replacing the high speed trains capable of travelling at speeds of up to 225mph with handcarts operated by human power and running slightly slower at up to 4mph, providing the operators are not knackered.

“Obviously this will extend the time taken to travel from London to Manchester a little, but we feel that the public will still be more than happy with what is a very exciting project worth every penny of the billions of pounds we’ve already shat away on it.”

Asked how long the overall journey is likely to take based on current estimates we were told, “Twenty seven hours.”