Football fans struggling to decide which Manchester club they hate the most
Football fans across Britain are facing a real challenge in deciding which team they hope loses today’s FA Cup final and Manchester derby.
‘If Man Utd couldn’t make him part of a credible defence, what chance did we have?’ ask Harry Maguire’s lawyers
Harry Maguire’s legal team have bemoaned the Manchester United captain’s inability to put in a solid defensive performance after he was convicted of three convictions in a Greek court.
Fears remain after hundreds of delinquents battle for control in Houses of Parliament
London remains in a state of shock after more than 600 troubled individuals were announced to have temporarily seized complete control of the Houses of Parliament in Westminster.
Daily Mail readers set to march on Lego headquarters
Readers of the Daily Mail are organising a protest march on the UK headquarters of Lego, it is being reported today.
Donald Trump to rethink abolishing Obamacare now that he actually knows what it is
US President-elect Donald Trump has announced he is considering going back on his pledge to abolish Barack Obama’s health care bill after spending a few minutes reading about it.
Serbia puts aside pocket money for UEFA racism fine
The Sebian FA has been forced to put aside most of its spare change in anticipation of action to be taken by Uefa in response to multiple racist incidents last night.
Belief in Lance Armstrong to qualify for religious status
As the weight of evidence against Lance Armstrong continues to grow, those who insist this means nothing have sought to protect their ridiculous beliefs and faith-based assertions by claiming religious status.
Mark Halsey performance creates selection dilemma for Manchester United
Sir Alex Ferguson has been given a selection dilemma when it comes to choosing his most in-form referee after Mark Halsey turned in a blinder during his side’s 2-1 win at Anfield yesterday.
Robin Van Persie suffers shoulder injury from carrying entire club for second successive season
Manchester United supporters’ relief at Robin Van Persie winning 3-2 at Southampton was marred by the news after the match that his shoulders are already feeling the strain of carrying another Premier League club.
Manchester United blame derby defeat on Andre Marriner for interfering with decision making
Wayne Rooney has blamed referee Andre Marriner for defeat in the Manchester derby, insisting his constant interfering adversely affected the United players when they were trying to officiate the game.
Football fans struggling to decide which Manchester club they hate most
Football fans across Britain are facing a real challenge in deciding which team they hope loses tonight’s Premier League Manchester derby.
Bahrain unites in complete indifference towards millionaire racing drivers
Bernie Ecclestone has succeeded in his objective to bring the people of Bahrain together – by uniting them in their shared indifference towards millionaire playboys in bright coloured helmets.
Juan Mata to celebrate every time ball crosses half way line
After Chelsea’s Juan Mata ‘scored’ a ‘goal’ in the FA Cup semi-final even though he knew the ball had not gone over the line, Chelsea have urged him and his team-mates to do the same every time the ball goes over the half way line tonight.
Andy Carroll to star in ‘John Carter 2’
With new Disney action film ‘John Carter’ set to lose Disney around £126 million, the producers have looked to Andy Carroll in their quest to find a suitable flop to star in the sequel.
Liverpool offer Anfield cat three-and-a-half year contract
Liverpool have looked to bolster their attack by signing the Anfield cat, who showed much more promise in the one minute he was on the pitch against Spurs on Monday night than Andy Carroll has all season.
Mario Balotelli angered by ‘deliberate’ Redknapp tax evasion
Manchester City’s Mario Balotelli has reacted furiously after Harry Redknapp stole the attention of the world of football away from him for all of five minutes last night.
Critics poisoned my name by quoting me verbatim, claims Warnock
Former QPR boss Neil Warnock has expressed his frustration at his departure from the club, citing people who repeated the words that came out of his mouth as the main reason for his sacking.
Scouse EDL members forced to distance themselves from Liverpool FC
Liverpool-based members of the English Defence League are today distancing themselves from the Anfield club after its continued conduct in the Luis Suarez racism case.
WWE wrestling looking to snap up Joey Barton in transfer window
The WWE wrestling corporation is expected to swoop early in the January transfer window for Joey Barton after another theatrical performance full of drama against Norwich.
Inquiry into working conditions at Manchester United after player’s ‘slave’ claim
The International Labour Organisation is to start an immediate investigation into working conditions for players in the Premier League, after Manchester United’s Tomasz Kuszczak revealed he was being treated like a “slave”.
Football celebrates 25 years of Sir Alex Ferguson intimidation
The British media is recovering from their attempts to get into Manchester United manager Sir Alex Ferguson’s good books, having competed ruthlessly to put together the most sycophantic tribute to his 25 years managing the Premier League club.
Eurozone must continue pretending to like Germany, warns Merkel
After the emergency EU meeting in Brussels, German Chancellor Angela Merkel has sent a stark message to Greece and other debt-ridden countries that they must continue to pretend to like and respect Germany in order for them to get the bailout.
Stuart Pearce to be unemployable by this time next year
Stuart Pearce’s initial euphoria at being selected to coach the London 2012 Great British football team quickly turned to disappointment after Fabio Capello reminded him that he will be without work for quite some time in the aftermath.
Carlos Tevez drops outside top twenty most hated people in Manchester
Reports are emerging that Carlos Tevez dropped twenty places overnight in the Most Hated People in Manchester chart, thanks to the start of the Conservative party conference.
Football managers debate God’s refereeing decisions after shock ozone loss
The news of a record loss of the ozone over the Arctic this year has created a heated discussion among Premier League managers over God’s decision-making as the global warming argument has progressed.
I definitely need a better lawyer than Rio Ferdinand, admits Titus Bramble
Sunderland defender Titus Bramble has reacted to the news of Rio Ferdinand losing his legal battle by instructing his lawyers to find much better lawyers.
I want Carlos Tevez out of Manchester, insists Carlos Tevez
Following his refusal to take to the field against Bayern Munich, Manchester City striker Carlos Tevez has announced his determination to do whatever it takes to force Carlos Tevez out of the club.
Kevin Davies apologises for tackling Manchester United player
Bolton striker Kevin Davies has succumbed to public outrage and apologised to Manchester United’s Tom Cleverly after attempting to take the ball off him at the weekend.
Scottish Tories may ‘break away’ to ban Dutch referees
Conservative MSP Murdo Fraser has announced he will try to ‘break away’ from the UK party if he wins the leadership election next month – in order to stiffen immigration control on football referees from the Netherlands.
Manchester United reveal Glazers to steal record £110.9m from club this year
Announcements that Manchester United’s owners are planning to float the club on the Singapore Stock Exchange in order to steal £600m have been followed by reports that the Glazers are to steal a record £110.9m as a result of operations this year.
