Arsenal have confirmed that the enormous bus that spent 90 minutes parked in front of Paris Saint-Germain’s attack on Saturday night was successfully refurbished and redeployed for the club’s Premier League title celebrations.
A man who confidently told you Covid was a hoax and that Donald Trump is the only world leader brave enough to stop Iran before it nukes Croydon has today told you that the current record-breaking heatwave is nothing to worry about.
Britons sweltering through the hottest May day ever recorded have reacted to Donald Trump receiving a clean bill of health by concluding that humanity has finally crossed the threshold into the eternal torment promised by several major religions. With temperatures in London approaching the conditions inside an air fryer, and elderly Labradors refusing to move
Donald Trump has reportedly missed his son’s wedding after an urgent situation developed on the back nine of his Trump International golf course that insiders described as “requiring the full focus of the Commander-in-Chief”.
Britain’s self-appointed “protect our women” brigade has confirmed that women absolutely deserve protection and respect, right up until the precise moment they do something mildly inconvenient or make a decision they don’t like.
Nigel Farage has reassured his supporters that stopping small boats crossing the English Channel will “instantly solve all of life’s problems, in the same spectacularly effective way that Brexit solved literally everything.”
The media is just trying to manipulate you into following their preferred narrative, according to those planning to protest tomorrow, who take as gospel the word of a convicted fraudster who has been imprisoned on five separate occasions.
Lovers of this country will gather in London tomorrow to express their patriotism using their preferred communication medium of mindless thuggery and violence.
Nigel Farage has insisted it is “purely coincidental” that he has spent much of the last 18 months aggressively promoting cryptocurrency after receiving a £5m tax-free gift from crypto billionaire Christopher Harborne.
Sir Keir Starmer has reportedly made significant strides in public opinion this week, with new polling suggesting the Labour leader is now only marginally less popular than a rodent-borne disease capable of causing internal bleeding.
An officious twat is revelling in checking the ID of all the young people coming to vote in the local elections, according to reports this morning.
Landfills will exclusively exist in Reform-voting constituencies, according to a new Green party policy.
Arsenal fans basking in the warm, unfamiliar glow of being favourites to win the Premier League in May are said to be teetering on the brink of full-blown insufferability, following Manchester City’s deeply inconvenient draw with Everton.
Former New York mayor Rudy Giuliani has been taken ill and rushed to what aides insist is “absolutely, categorically the correct facility,” Mount Sinai Landscaping, located conveniently between a bulk mulch supplier and a man who sells paving slabs out of a van.
After hiring a mad scientist in the hope of taking innovation to the next level, executives at a leading research firm say the initial results have been disappointing.
Attendees at a Peter Kay show were evacuated last night after a suspicious object was discovered in the middle of the arena, later confirmed by bomb disposal experts to be “a fully formed joke that didn’t rely on the audience remembering things from twenty years ago.”
LIV Golf has confirmed it is actively seeking a fresh authoritarian backer, after discovering that even bottomless oil wealth apparently comes with an expiry date.
The nation’s rich people today announced that despite new reports showing they live longer than their poor counterparts, the gap between themselves and the poor is still not nearly wide enough.
Donald Trump has reassured King Charles III that his forthcoming visit to the United States will be “completely safe,” insisting that recent assassination attempts are “largely theatrical” and “frankly some of the best work we’ve ever done.”
An African elephant in Gabon has defended the trampling to death of a 75-year-old American millionaire big game hunter this week, insisting that “sometimes you have to cull the idiots to keep their numbers down.”
A man has this morning decided to publicly out himself as a low-information simpleton by pointing at the sky and loudly shouting ‘chemtrails’.
In these uncertain times, clarity of thought is more important than ever. Step forward Chuck Williams, a proud, self-described “independent thinker,” here to explain how unwavering loyalty and complete ideological whiplash can, in fact, coexist quite beautifully.
A local parent has today raised serious concerns about the amount of time their children are spending playing computer games over the school holidays, while also privately acknowledging that the arrangement is “frankly the best thing that’s happened to me since they learned how to pour their own cereal.”
Chocolate Easter eggs offer many health benefits and should form a large part of your breakfast this morning, according to 7-year-olds everywhere.
Confused holidaymakers are today seeking clarification from the world’s Christian churches as to what exactly Jesus did on the Monday to warrant the current bank holiday.
The Labour Party has been widely applauded this morning for its top-tier April Fool’s Day prank, after issuing a convincing press release announcing plans to implement a genuinely left-wing policy.
Tottenham Hotspur FC have appointed former Brighton manager Roberto Di Zerbi as the team’s chief turd polisher on a five-year contract.
BBC bosses today confirmed that Radio 2 presenter Scott Mills has been sacked after being dramatically unmasked as part of an Iranian spy network operating out of what sources described as “a suspiciously upbeat breakfast show”.
Donald Trump has reportedly taken an intense and “very normal, very presidential” interest in this week’s Artemis II lunar mission after aides confirmed that the Moon currently has no extradition treaty with the United States.
Tiger Woods has today been named FIFA’s “Best Driver 2026”, in what officials are calling “another bold step in recognising excellence wherever it should absolutely definitely not be recognised.”
Register for free and keep up with the latest bouts of catastrophic
bellendry from all around the world.