Latest polling shows Keir Starmer narrowing popularity gap to Hantavirus

Sir Keir Starmer has reportedly made significant strides in public opinion this week, with new polling suggesting the Labour leader is now only marginally less popular than a rodent-borne disease capable of causing internal bleeding.

The survey, conducted in the aftermath of Labour’s catastrophic local election results, found that while Hantavirus still enjoys a commanding lead among voters, Starmer has managed to close the gap to within single digits.

Political analyst Simon Williams explained, “Two months ago, if you’d asked voters whether they preferred having Keir Starmer as prime minister or contracting a potentially fatal respiratory illness spread through infected rat urine, Hantavirus would have won comfortably.

“But after a difficult week for the virus involving increased media scrutiny and several people saying, ‘Hang on, do we actually know enough about this thing?’, Starmer has clawed back some of that support.”

Sources close to Labour say the party is encouraged by the figures, particularly among key swing demographics who now describe Starmer as “deeply uninspiring” rather than “a sort of administrative sleeping tablet given human form”.

One voter from Swindon told reporters, “Look, I’m not saying I want Hantavirus, obviously. But at least if you catch it, people notice something’s happened and there is a treatment plan available. With Starmer you just have to sit there. Suffering. Indefinitely.”

Meanwhile, senior Labour figures have urged calm, insisting the results merely reflect a communication problem.

“Keir has a bold vision for Britain,” said one aide. “Unfortunately, every time he explains it, voters immediately begin checking whether they left the immersion heater on.”

The polling also contained worrying news for the Conservatives, who now trail both Starmer and Hantavirus after respondents were asked which they trusted most to manage a drinking session in a facility that makes booze.

At the time of publication, Labour strategists were said to be cautiously optimistic after focus groups revealed voters still considered Starmer preferable to Ebola, head lice, and being trapped behind a family of six ordering their ice creams individually.