Suspicious object at Peter Kay gig found to be joke that wasn’t based on remembering things

Attendees at a Peter Kay show were evacuated last night after a suspicious object was discovered in the middle of the arena, later confirmed by bomb disposal experts to be “a fully formed joke that didn’t rely on the audience remembering things from twenty years ago.”

The device, described as “unfamiliar in tone and structure,” was initially flagged by audience members who grew concerned when it failed to reference school dinners, misremembered TV adverts, or the specific texture of 1990s shampoo.

“We knew something was wrong straight away,” said one shaken fan. “It didn’t start with ‘do you remember…?’ and there was no mention of garlic bread at any point. People just sort of looked at each other in silence, like it had no comforting nostalgic entry point.”

Security teams moved quickly to isolate the material, with one steward bravely attempting to engage with it before backing away after it made a pointed remark about government policy.

“I’ve never seen anything like it,” he said. “There was no observational callback to growing up in Bolton. It just went straight in on taxation. Completely unprovoked.”

Experts later confirmed the object to be a “topical political joke,” a rare and largely incompatible format within the Peter Kay performance ecosystem.

A spokesperson for the tour reassured fans that the situation had been contained.

“We can confirm that no audience members were exposed to sustained contemporary satire,” they said.

“All future shows will return to the safe and expected format of collectively recalling biscuits that no longer exist.”

The joke has since been removed to a controlled environment, where specialists are working to safely dismantle its references to current affairs.

Meanwhile, affected fans are being offered support, including access to emergency phrases such as “remember when…” and “they don’t make them like they used to.”

At time of writing, no further political material has been detected, though audiences are advised to remain vigilant and report any punchlines that demonstrate awareness of the present day.

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