Tiger Woods given FIFA Best Driver award
by Andy Matthews 7 months ago 
Tiger Woods has today been named FIFA’s “Best Driver 2026”, in what officials are calling “another bold step in recognising excellence wherever it should absolutely definitely not be recognised.”
The award follows FIFA’s widely applauded January decision to hand Donald Trump its inaugural “Peace Prize”, a move described at the time as “bravely detached from observable reality.”
Announcing the latest honour, FIFA president Gianni Infantino said Woods had demonstrated “a unique commitment to redefining control, direction, and ultimately, outcomes.”
“Football is about movement, precision, and occasionally going completely off course,” Infantino explained. “Tiger embodies all of those values, often simultaneously.”
The governing body confirmed that Woods was selected by a special committee consisting entirely of “people who had not read any news for at least 24 hours.”
In a short statement, Woods said he was “surprised but honoured,” adding that he “always tries to stay in his lane, metaphorically speaking.”
FIFA insiders say the organisation is keen to “expand beyond football” and recognise achievements in “loosely related concepts,” including motion, decision-making, and public confusion.
“This is just the beginning,” one source said. “We’re looking at giving next year’s Best Defender award to a hedge fund manager who successfully avoided responsibility for losing several billion pounds.”
Critics have questioned FIFA’s recent direction, suggesting the awards are “increasingly detached from both sport and basic human understanding.” FIFA has rejected this, insisting the awards are “fully aligned with our long-standing commitment to baffling absolutely everyone.”
Fans, meanwhile, have reacted with a mix of disbelief and weary acceptance.
“I mean, it makes more sense than the Trump one,” said one supporter. “At least Tiger has successfully driven a vehicle before this latest crash”
Woods is said to be “touched by the recognition” and has already confirmed he will definitely be driving himself to any subsequent ceremony.
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