Why I supported Trump’s ‘No foreign wars’ position and also him bombing Iran back to the stone age, by a man suffering from Trump Delusion Syndrome

In these uncertain times, clarity of thought is more important than ever. Step forward Chuck Williams, a proud, self-described “independent thinker,” here to explain how unwavering loyalty and complete ideological whiplash can, in fact, coexist quite beautifully.

He told us, “I’ve always been consistent. That’s what my wife says, right before she leaves the room and Googles “divorce lawyers near me.” And she’s right. I supported President Trump when he said “no more foreign wars,” and I support him now that he’s bravely suggested turning Iran into a sort of historical reenactment of the Stone Age.

“Consistency is about principles. My principle is simple: whatever Donald Trump said most recently, is correct.

“Before the election, I was out there chanting “No more wars!” with the rest of the guys in matching eagle T-shirts. We were done with endless conflict, tired of sending our boys overseas, and frankly, running low on flags to angrily wave. Trump said he’d end it all, and I believed him so hard I bought a commemorative mug.

“But then he floated the idea of bombing Iran into dust, and I realised something important: this isn’t a war. It’s… pre-peace. You can’t have peace without first aggressively removing anything that might interrupt it. That’s just common sense, like buying a gun to stop crime or yelling “freedom” while banning books.

“Some people call this a contradiction. Those people are what we in the movement call “traitors” or “people who remember things from last week.” But real patriots understand that “no more wars” actually means “no wars we don’t feel like having anymore.”

“And right now, we feel like having this one.

“Look, I don’t follow Trump because I agree with him. I agree with him because I follow him. If tomorrow he announces that war is bad again, I’ll be back outside with my sign, bravely opposing the very thing I was cheering 24 hours earlier.

“That’s not hypocrisy. That’s flexibility.

“And if flexibility means cheering both peace and total annihilation depending on the news cycle, then by God, I am the most flexible man in America.”

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