‘He shouldn’t have been bearing arms’ says country obsessed with right to bear arms
The US government have criticised a man for having a concealed weapon today, despite constantly banging on about how everyone should have the right to bear arms.
Golf resort plan falls out of Trump’s pocket during Gaza redevelopment briefing
President Donald Trump has announced he wants the US to take over the Gaza Strip, initially keeping his plans tight-lipped until a design for a new golf course fell out of his pocket.
Supermarket manager vows to fight off US forces after confused Trump mistakenly sends military to Iceland
Supermarket managers have vowed to fight back against any attacks from the US, after Donald Trump repeatedly confused ‘Greenland’ with ‘Iceland’.
David and Victoria Beckham awaiting PR agency’s decision on whether they still love Brooklyn
David and Victoria Beckham are still waiting for publicists to greenlight their love for eldest son Brooklyn, it has been revealed.
Norwegian PM: ‘U wot m8?’
The Norwegian Prime Minister has escalated his text exchange with Donald Trump by replying ‘U wot m8?’ to the US president’s message demanding Greenland.
Trump assures Neville Chamberlain he won’t invade Greenland
Neville Chamberlain has arrived back in the UK with assurances from Donald Trump that the US won’t invade Greenland, it has been revealed.
Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin to star in Season 2 of ‘Heated Rivalry’
Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin have been cast as the new stars of hit romance series ‘Heated Rivalry’, the show’s producers have confirmed.
Irish actors to be labelled ‘British’ ahead of Oscars, confirms media
Media outlets in the UK have confirmed they will continue their longstanding tradition of incorrectly referring to Irish actors as ‘British’ in the run up to the Oscars.
Man celebrating all the Tories defecting to Reform the same man who wanted the Tories out at the last election
A man emphatically celebrating the defection of another Conservative politician to Reform UK is exactly the same man who was calling for the Tories to be ousted at the last general election, it has been revealed.
Lord Mandelson accuses Jeffrey Epstein of gatekeeping paedophile sex ring from LGBTQ+ community
Lord Mandelson has accused Jeffrey Epstein of discrimination, after the LGBTQ+ community were allegedly denied access to his paedophile sex ring.
X launches new monthly subscription Pedo Premium+
Social media site X has launched a brand new monthly subscription service Pedo Premium+, according to its owner Elon Musk.
ICE celebrates going entire day without murdering innocent civilian
The United States Immigration and Customs Enforcement are celebrating an incredible milestone, after managing to get through an entire day without gunning down any innocent civilians in the street.
NATO really wishing it hadn’t wasted money renewing its website domain
NATO is furious today after realising they’d just renewed their website domain for another year, despite the security alliance at risk of collapsing altogether.
New garish ballroom mysteriously appears in Greenland
A huge new ballroom has mysteriously appeared in Greenland overnight, according to officials of the Danish territory.
Today either Tuesday, Friday or Sunday, estimates delirious nation
After much deliberation and debate, the confused people of the UK have mutually agreed that today is either Tuesday, Friday or Sunday.
White House adds permanent black square to President Trump’s face
The White House have today confirmed that President Trump will have a black square permanently covering his face for the remainder of his second term in office.
Reform UK receives record £9m donation from Cyberdyne Systems
Reform UK has received a £9m donation from military contractor Cyberdyne Systems, it has been revealed.
‘Never, ever trust the Tories’ says party full of Tories
Nigel Farage has continued his attacks on the Conservatives by writing an article for The Telegraph titled ‘Never, ever trust the Tories’, despite his party being full of Tories.
Keir Starmer’s ‘Let me be crystal clear’s to be capped at fifty per speech
Under new rules set out by Downing Street officials, Keir Starmer will only be allowed to use the phrase ‘Let me be crystal clear’ a maximum of fifty times per speech, it has been revealed.
Reform voters spotted holding up ‘Nigel, can I have your shirt?’ signs
Reform UK voters have been spotted holding up ‘Nigel, can I have your shirt?’ signs in the hopes of getting one of the party’s new limited edition black football shirts.
Milkshakes thrown at Nigel Farage to cost an extra 5p from 2028
A new so-called ‘milkshake tax’ due to come into effect in 2028 will cost anti-Farage activists an extra 5p per throw, according to health secretary Wes Streeting.
Jeffrey Epstein accused of letting a child write his emails
The late paedophile Jeffrey Epstein is facing fresh accusations after the House Oversight Committee released a series of illiterate and incoherent emails seemingly written by a child.
‘Oh f**k’ says Donald Trump
Following newly-released email evidence where Jeffrey Epstein suggests Donald Trump spent hours with one of the victims, the White House has today released a two-word statement from Donald Trump simply reading, ‘Oh f**k.’
‘Every misleading claim will cost you $1 billion’ says man who would owe $30 trillion from first term alone
Donald Trump has threatened to sue the BBC for $1 billion over their misleading Panorama documentary, seemingly ignoring the fact that by that logic, he himself would owe more than $30 trillion for his first term alone.
‘I would trade all $1,000,000,000,000 for just one real friend’ confirms Elon Musk
Prospective trillionaire Elon Musk has today confirmed he would trade every single penny of his $1,000,000,000 Tesla pay package for just one real friend.
US Congress apologise for starting Andrew letter with ‘Dear Nonce’
Members of US Congress have apologised for beginning their summons letter to Andrew Mountbatten Windsor with ‘Dear Nonce’.
Wandsworth Prison to trial brand new security system of remembering to shut the door
HMP Wandsworth has announced their plan to regain the public’s trust by trialling a brand new state-of-the-art security system of remembering to shut the door.
Far-right devastated to learn Guy Fawkes was an English national and not an asylum seeker
Members of the far-right have been left devastated today after learning terrorist plotter Guy Fawkes was in fact an English national, and not an asylum seeker who arrived on a small boat.
Nigel Farage to grow toothbrush moustache for Movember
Nigel Farage has been praised today after revealing he would be growing a toothbrush moustache in support of Movember. An international movement promoting awareness of men’s health issues such as prostate cancer and testicular cancer, Farage said he was thrilled to be able to contribute to Movember’s great work. “I suppose it’s the thought that
Keir Starmer demands to see trick or treater’s digital IDs
Prime Minister Keir Starmer has refused to give out any sweets to trick or treaters this Halloween until they show him evidence of their digital ID, it’s been revealed.
