Keir Starmer’s ‘Let me be crystal clear’s to be capped at fifty per speech

Under new rules set out by Downing Street officials, Keir Starmer will only be allowed to use the phrase ‘Let me be crystal clear’ a maximum of fifty times per speech, it has been revealed. 

The Prime Minister – who usually says the phrase between two and three thousand times per speech – will now be limited to just fifty uses of the phrase, with each further utterance being subject to a £1 fine.

“This is probably the hardest thing I’ve had to do as Prime Minister,” said Keir Starmer, drenched in a pool of sweat. 

“I thought they were joking with me at first, but then Morgan McSweeney put down an empty jar labelled ‘Crystal Clear Swear Jar’. Apparently, I’m supposed to put a quid into it every time I say you know what more than fifty times. I’m already down £500.

“Honestly, this is absolutely killing me. I’m meant to be giving an hour-long speech on Friday. How on Earth am I supposed to get through that? Usually I’ve blown my fifty-phrase limit within the first couple of sentences.

“If they ban me from mentioning my dad was a toolmaker, then I really am fucked.”

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