Wandsworth Prison to trial brand new security system of remembering to shut the door

HMP Wandsworth has announced their plan to regain the public’s trust by trialling a brand new state-of-the-art security system of remembering to shut the door. 

Over 260 prisoners have been mistakenly released in England and Wales in the year to March 2025, with Wandsworth officials now hoping to reduce that figure by instructing all guards to shut any open doors. 

“In hindsight, it probably would’ve stopped Daniel Khalife escaping a couple of years ago,” said Wandsworth Prison guard Simon Williams.

“I know public trust in our security methods isn’t particularly high at the moment, but we can assure you that we’ve started turning on all the alarms and our Ring doorbell is fully charged. We’ve even started putting bars on the prison cells to see if that helps. 

“Obviously we want to be inclusive, though we do appreciate everyone’s concerns about hiring a blind man to watch the exit. Gus is a great guy, but it is quite easy to sneak past him as long as you put on a different voice. The narcolepsy doesn’t help, either. 

“Look, at the end of the day, all we can do is apologise and work on improving the prison for the future.

“Oh, and if you happen to run into a bloke calling himself ‘The Battersea Butcher’, please tell him to come back.”

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