The critically-panned Census questionnaire is to be revamped as an all-action sword-and-sorcery adventure after focus groups complained that it was ‘dry,’ ‘lifeless’, and ‘lacking in fight sequences’.
Fugitive music producer and human rights criminal Pete Waterman, who has spent decades on the run from international law, is finally to stand trial for his deeds after his sensational capture by agents at his secret ranch hideout in Argentina.
The majestic Goth, once a common sight on the streets of Great Britain, could be set for a dramatic return after the last remaining pair of wild Goths successfully reproduced at a secret location in the north of England.
Shadowy ‘cells’ of Royal fundamentalists are plotting a day of terror for Britain as they seek to turn next week’s Bank Holiday into ‘a twee nightmare’ for millions of law-abiding citizens.
The world’s most precious remaining reserves of tat are at risk of disappearance as the Royal Wedding creates an unprecedented demand for crap, rubbish and old shit, according to ecologists.
An international ring of lawnmower enthusiasts has been smashed by police in six European countries after they seized ‘thousands’ of graphic images of grass cutting equipment.
A dog rescued from a roof drifting off Japan’s north-east coast was ‘tender and surprisingly succulent’ despite her three-week ordeal adrift at sea with no food or water, according to her owners.
Anti-Gaddafi fighters are running ‘dangerously low’ of the bullets they need to fire wildly into the sky for the television cameras, according to reports.
Tributes were pouring in last night for the troubled No. 1 reactor at the heart of Japan’s nuclear meltdown crisis.
Wolverhampton City Council has voted to scrap Easter and replace the symbolic furry bunny of springtime with an idealised Socialist Termite, called Barry, in a bid to cut costs.
The critically-panned Census questionnaire is to be revamped as an all-action sword-and-sorcery adventure after focus groups complained that it was ‘dry,’ ‘lifeless’, and ‘lacking in fight sequences’.
Travellers have been warned to ‘stay away’ from the town of Doncaster unless their journey is ‘absolutely necessary’ after the collapse of civil order threatened to plunge the region into anarchy.
Organisers of the 2011 census are bracing themselves for a ‘tidal wave’ of jokers pretending to be Christians in this year’s household questionnaire.
The RAF is to enforce a no-fly zone over Libya using only the motivational powers of TV hypnotist Paul McKenna, says Prime Minister David Cameron.
Cartoon legend Mickey Mouse has begun legal proceedings against the Carling Cup for what he calls a ‘humiliating abuse’ of his image and reputation by the unpopular and piddling football competition.
The horny bitches of Sweden were celebrating last night as a British court agreed to return internet transparency campaigner and top cockmaster Julian Assange to face charges of being too goddamned sexy.
Jamie Oliver’s plans to transform the entire National Health Service with a mixture of cheeky upbeat optimism, 30-minute gourmet meals, and lingering shots of his own grinning face have been given a cautious welcome by health professionals.
Sky are set to revamp Soccer-and-masturbation ratings winner ‘Saturday Football Wankfest’ as a Regency period drama in an attempt to woo more female viewers, say broadcasting insiders.
The mother of Bank of England governor Mervyn King was on the warpath last night after her son arrived home wearing only his plimsolls, vest and gym shorts, having been chased by senior economists demanding a sharp rise in the base lending rate.
Overworked Al-Qaeda recruiting officers have urged would-be jihadis to ‘remain patient’ after the consecutive broadcast of the Grammys, the Brits and OK! TV on prime-time television brought a surge in applications to bomb the shit out of everything.
West Ham supporters have reacted with dismay to the news of their club’s successful bid for the Olympic Stadium, after it was revealed that the playing surface will actually be visible from parts of the ground.
News agencies are reporting another day of that thing happening in Egypt, where those protesters are up in arms about that prime Minister they don’t like. Or possibly the President, according to sources.
Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger has hit out at football administrators and match officials over the closure of Woolworth’s, claiming that his side are being ‘unfairly penalised’ by the store’s continuing absence from the High Street.
A BBC employee you have never heard of has revealed the identity of a second, even more obscure BBC employee you couldn’t care less about, and who turns out to be his dad.
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