Sky are set to revamp Soccer-and-masturbation ratings winner ‘Saturday Football Wankfest’ as a Regency period drama in an attempt to woo more female viewers, say broadcasting insiders.
And the satellite channel has already sounded out Oscar nominee Colin Firth to take the role of football jizzmaster Jeff Stelling as it bids to shift the balance of its 99.9% male audience.
“Shouting incoherently about football and masturbating, that is core, core content here at Sky Sports,” says a semi-naked Ray Figgis, commissioning editor at the channel since 1992.
“Our viewers like nothing better on a Saturday afternoon than seeing Tony Gale in headphones, getting a semi on whilst talking about Jack Wilshere and how he’s miles better than Iniesta.”
“Or watching a naked Chris Kamara on a gantry at the Reebok, bringing himself to orgasm while describing a near miss from a Wigan corner.”
“But the focus groups say that women prefer seeing women in bustles being escorted from carriages by elegantly clad beaux, and shit like that.”
“So we’re gonna do both.”
Sky Sports targets female viewers
The commissioning of a football-based wanking costume drama will present a challenge for screenwriters, who usually rely on the output of obscure novelists like Jane Austen and William Makepeace Thackeray for their material.
But the recent surge in popularity for costume drama, particularly among middle-aged women alienated by football-obsessed partners with their trousers down, has led to an acute shortage of classics which haven’t yet been filmed.
Channel 4 recently commissioned a screenplay set in the reign of George I, but based on the books of Alan Titchmarsh.
“Sky have got the male viewing public locked down,” says Broadcast magazine’s Kyle McEwan.
“Sharks, Nazis, football and masturbation. Any human being with a pair of testicles and £50 a month is already being hosed down with wall-to-wall shit in HD.”
“But for some reason they’ve never been able to persuade women to watch it.”
Now, says McEwan, Sky may have hit on the formula to entice female subscribers.
“In the past, Sky tried to get the women on board by spunking a load of money on kooky-pooky arts programmes,” he explains.
“Like the one where Mariella Frostrupp pretends she’s read some books. Or that thing with Clive Anderson talking quickly about BritArt and laughing with some knob in glasses.”
“Women don’t want that. They want Mr Darcy. With wet hair. Riding a horse. And if he’s talking excitedly about Fernando Torres and knocking one out, then the men will watch too.”