Monarchist thugs planning day of ‘Royal aggro’

author avatar by 13 years ago

Shadowy ‘cells’ of Royal fundamentalists are plotting a day of terror for Britain as they seek to turn next week’s Bank Holiday into ‘a twee nightmare’ for millions of law-abiding citizens.

And police believe the extreme monarchists will stop at nothing to achieve their aim, ‘tooling up’ with an array of limp party food and terrifying Royal merchandise before causing chaos, misery and camp, reactionary tedium across the land.

A six-month operation has seen Special Branch officers identify and infiltrate a series of hardcore monarchist gangs in an attempt to uncover the terror plot.

Officers have learned how legendary firms such as the ‘Mountbatten Crew,’ ‘QEII-Troop’ and ‘Windsor Castle Youth’ have been using social media such as Twitter and Facebook to spread their sinister influence, and plan a series of shocking civil disturbances, or ‘Street Parties’.

“You have no idea how organised and ruthless these people are,” says one senior officer, speaking on condition of anonymity.

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“In ordinary life they’re respectable people – office workers, shopkeepers, even housewives. That’s how they manage to stay undiscovered for so long. But all you have to do is mention the Queen and wallop! Out comes the bunting.”

“These people are sick. But they just don’t care.”

Royalist gangs aiming to cause unprecedented tedium

Extreme Royalist activity has long been confined to the margins of society, with small bands meeting up for pre-arranged ‘offs’ with hardcore Republicans in the car parks of National Trust properties.

Raids on a series of addresses in the Home Counties last year saw the seizure of several tins of Royal-themed biscuits and a Union Jack sofa cushion. But no charges were ever brought.

Now investigators speak of a terrifying rise in Royal fundamentalism, spreading far outside its traditional power base near Ascot and seeing the ‘radicalisation’ of previously neutral citizens.

“We intercepted a series of emails last week between a middle-aged couple in Leeds,” says one source.

“Schoolteachers, no history of extremist activity. But she was thinking of buying a set of commemorative mugs. That’s the way it starts. Next they’ll be making fairy cakes with red-white-and-blue icing.”

“But when people in Leeds start cutting the crusts off their sandwiches, then God help us all.”

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