Overworked Al-Qaeda recruiting officers have urged would-be jihadis to ‘remain patient’ after the consecutive broadcast of the Grammys, the Brits and OK! TV on prime-time television brought a surge in applications to bomb the shit out of everything.
“They just march in here, shouting about James Corden, and demand a Tupperware box full of semtex,” complains Mohammed ibn Abdellah, Al-Qaeda branch secretary for Welwyn Garden City.
“I tell them we have a strict application process, and each new member has to be nominated by two current members and their application ratified by the committee.”
“But they just want to go out and start blowing up second-rate celebrities. In the end I usually give them Cilla Black’s address on the Wentworth estate and tell them to get on with it.”
“The righteous tide of cleansing wrath is all very well,” adds ibn Abdellah, “but this is just taking the piss.”
Following this week’s flood of demands by TV viewers to purge the stain of Western filth from God’s clean earth, there are warnings of a ‘six month backlog’ in processing Al-Qaeda membership queries.
The crisis deepened still further on Monday evening after the launch of OK! TV on Channel 5 caused the revolutionary terrorist organisation’s website to crash.
“I followed the links from the homepage to the point where it says ‘Yes! Sign me up for Jihad NOW!’, but all I got was a 404 error message,” said music lover Nina Styles, who spent Sunday evening in alternating bouts of nihilistic despair and manic rage after watching a lengthy song-and-dance routine by teen pop idol Justin Bieber.
“I know I’ve got a bottle of hydrogen peroxide somewhere, and a bag of icing sugar. I’ve even got a rucksack.”
“By the beard of Shaitan, Bieber must die,” she added.
OK! TV launched
Senior figures within the worldwide terror network are said to be pleased with the sudden rise in violent extremism prompted by the start of the showbiz award season.
“Praise God, we are attacking the American-Zionist Crusade wherever it can be found”, says Ayman al-Zawahiri, a close lieutenant of Osama bin Laden, in an audio clip recorded somewhere in the mountains of northern Pakistan.
“The conspiracy of the West is undone and in ruins. Did you see that bit where Rosamund Pike nearly read out the winners before the nominations? Death unto the dozy tart.”
But with teams of IT consultants working round-the-clock to fix the Al-Qaeda website after last night’s Brit Awards, some radical insurgents are bracing themselves for more chaos.
“All it took is one smug, unfunny, arse-licking routine from James Corden and it’s all kicked off again,’ complained one terror organiser.
“It’s like the Pride of Britain Awards all over again.”