Cameron employs Paul McKenna to create Libyan no-fly zone

author avatar by 13 years ago

The RAF is to enforce a no-fly zone over Libya using only the motivational powers of TV hypnotist Paul McKenna, says Prime Minister David Cameron.

The bestselling author of self-help books such as Change Your Life in Seven Days!, Move your Bowels and Have a Dump! and Evil No More; How to Stop Abducting and Murdering Homeless People NOW!! has been drafted in by Downing Street after defence chiefs argued that the aircraft at their disposal were insufficient to the task.

“We had a look in the hangars at Brize Norton and all we have is a hot air balloon that used to belong to Keith Chegwin,’ says Air Chief Marshal Sir Stephen Dalton.

“We are ready to do our duty in the best traditions of the service. But I think Keith left the balloon there because it has a big hole in it.”

The Prime Minister told the House of Commons last night that Britain was ready to ‘get tough’ with Libyan leader Colonel Gaddafi, and was ready to deploy ‘any and all military assets’ to end his regime, in an impressive speech which brought twenty minutes’ determined nodding on all sides of the House.

NewsThump Best sellers

But after a Defence Spending Review which has seen British aircraft carriers sold and converted to a range of non-military purposes including a soft-play area, a bottle bank and in one case a private yacht for the chief executive of Barclay’s Bank, military chiefs have privately asked how they are to stop Colonel Gaddafi from dropping bombs on his own country.

Libyan no-fly zone

“This is a challenge for Britain’s brave servicemen and women, who are the finest in the world,” replied Defence Secretary Liam Fox.

“The RAF, which triumphed so proudly in the Battle of Britain, will surely not let a trifling inconvenience like the absence of any aircraft stand in its way.”

“A strategy based on motivational thinking techniques will have a 100% rate of success. 100%. Paul says so.”

And McKenna, who claims that his motivational volumes have helped millions of people to stop smoking, overcome constipation, and cut down on thrill-seeking acts of murder, insists that it is ‘the power of the mind’ which will enable international consensus to prevail in Libya.

“Visualise the clear skies over Benghazi, and it will be so,” he says.

“Imagine the absence of Libyan jets screaming overhead with their deadly payload of anti-personnel ordnance – and they will be absent.”

“No military force in the world is equal to the power of the mind.”

Colonel Gaddafi defiant

But Libyan leader Col Gaddafi has vowed to respond to the British strategy with a ‘devastating countermove’ of his own.

“Theirs is the gambit of a fool,” he declared in an interview with Radio 1 Newsbeat.

“The burning fires of hell await these imaginary aircraft and their phantom pilots. Do they think they are the only ones who have heard of Paul McKenna?”

“Wait till they see my imaginary squadron of giant fire-breathing squirrels.”

“They will soil their pants.”