Cartoon legend Mickey Mouse has begun legal proceedings against the Carling Cup for what he calls a ‘humiliating abuse’ of his image and reputation by the unpopular and piddling football competition.
Mouse, 83, says he is ‘sickened’ by the use of his name in connection with the Cup, which is due to be won half-heartedly this weekend by Arsenal, provided that they can be bothered.
“All my life I have striven for excellence in the field of animated family entertainment,” fumed the much loved six-fingered rodent from his home in Santa Barbara.
“For my good name to be sullied and besmirched by association with this… this goddamn piece of shit.”
“Football League assholes,” he added.
The star of Hollywood classics such as ‘Steamboat Willie’ and ‘Mickey’s Choo-Choo’ is said to be ‘deeply traumatised’ by the ‘scurrilous, libellous and totally shitty’ association of his name with the former League Cup trophy, a link reinforced by broadcasters, newspapers, pundits, players, ex-players, fans, in fact everyone except the competition’s official sponsor, a brand of beer.
Carling Cup Final
“Mickey Mouse is a living legend. Mickey Mouse is a towering brand icon. Mickey Mouse is a multi-billion dollar symbol of fun and fantasy recognised worldwide,” says his agent Sidney Rothstein.
“Mickey Mouse is not some last-weekend-in-February place-in-the-Europa-League two-bit sideshow.”
“And if those schmucks at the Football league think they can use my client’s name to pimp out some gimpy three-handled pot nobody wants, they better go dig a hole in the sand and hide in it. Because we are gunning for their asses.”
The build-up to this year’s final has been an exciting one, with feverish speculation over just how many Arsenal players will claim to be injured, sick, giving birth or facing trial for manslaughter on the day of the game.
And sales of match tickets have also been brisk after a marketing strategy which involved putting them inside packets of Monster Munch, a ruse which was abandoned only after a collapse in sales of the popular snack.
A spokesman for Carling, official sponsors of the unwanted trophy, says that he is unable to comment on the legal action as no papers have yet been served by Mouse or his legal representatives.
“The Carling Cup Final is a key event in Britain’s sporting calendar,” he added.
“In years to come, people will still be talking about the drama, the passion, the excitement. The historic day when Arsenal achieved the Holy Grail and climbed the Wembley steps to lift the coveted trophy. That dramatic, controversial, pride-fuelled encounter with plucky…. plucky…
“Shit, who are Arsenal playing again?” he concluded.