‘F**k all getting done today’ admits hungover and miserable England
After last night’s world cup semi-final defeat, England is too hungover and miserable to do any fucking work today, it has emerged.
Man becomes expert on synchronised diving after watching it for five whole minutes
A man who has never watched synchronised diving before in his life has suddenly become a world-class expert on the subject, after watching it on the Olympics for barely five minutes last night. Simon Williams, a 42-year-old shoelace threader from Dorset, began watching the event after accidentally leaving the remote control in the toilet to
One last pint ‘not such a good idea’ admits toilet cuddler
A man who has spent most of today groaning sweet nothings to his toilet has admitted that in retrospect, that last pint last night was a fucking stupid idea.
F*ck all getting done today admits hungover and miserable England
After last night’s world cup semi-final defeat, England is too hungover and miserable to do any fucking work today, it has emerged. With hearts that feel like they’ve been stamped on by a Croation football boot, and heads that feel like they’ve been repeatedly booted around a football pitch, England just cannot be arsed today.
World feeling more secure already, as Donald Trump promises to expand US military
The entire world is feeling all warm and snugly following Donald Trump’s election pledge to expand the most terrifying military machine of all time, it has been reported today.
Pigeons still acting like they own the f*cking place
Knobhead pigeons are still acting like they own the fucking place, and could totally kick the living shit out of you if they wanted to, it has been revealed today.
Woman convinced she’s psychic after bumping into someone she was ‘just thinking about’
An exceptionally dim woman has become convinced she has supernatural, otherworldly powers of precognition, after an entirely boring coincidence in which she bumped into someone she was thinking about ‘only the other day’.
Man becomes expert on synchronised diving after watching it for five whole minutes
A man who has never watched synchronised diving before in his life has suddenly become a world-class expert on the subject, after watching it on the Olympics for barely five minutes last night.
Homeopathy ‘100% effective at curing thirst’ admit actual real scientists
Followers of the mystical art of homeopathy were claiming a major success yesterday, after scientists admitted that homeopathic remedies are wholly effective at curing thirst.
Lucky England shirt binned after failing to do its job
An England fan has ceremonially binned his lucky shirt after England failed to beat Slovakia and top their group last night.
Queen wondering if she’s saved enough money to retire yet
As the Queen celebrates yet another birthday, palace insiders have revealed that the monarch is fretting about whether she will ever save enough money to retire on.
After prosecutors fail to act, Batman agrees to avenge Harambe
After prosecutors decided not to charge the mother of a child who fell into a gorilla pen, Gotham City’s caped crusader has announced his intention to intervene on behalf of dead gorilla, Harambe.
Green eggs and ham actually ‘pretty disgusting’ admits Dr Seuss
Doctor Seuss has finally confessed that green eggs and ham tastes worse than ‘a plate of lukewarm cat sick’, it has been revealed today.
One last pint ‘not such a good idea’ admits toilet cuddler
A man who has spent most of today groaning sweet nothings to his toilet has admitted that in retrospect, that last pint last night was a fucking stupid idea.
Nutjob street preacher realises he’s coming across as a total tit
A bible-bashing mouth-foamer has had a moment of clarity in which he realised what an utter tit he looks like when booming nonsense at passers-by in the street.
God-fearing nation rejoices at prospect of voting for the Antichrist
Swathes of God-fearing Christians across the United States were jubilant yesterday, as the living embodiment of pure evil, Donald Trump, effectively secured the Republican nomination for the presidency.
Monday ‘best day of the week’ insists twat
A boss who is considered by all of his employees to be a complete and utter twat has today confirmed he thinks Monday is the best day of the week.
Man in pub’s footballing tactical wizardry ignored for some reason
Liverpool manager Jurgen Klopp was facing fresh criticism last night after he bizarrely ignored the keen, footballing insights from a man in the pub.
The One Ring ‘not that precious’ claims Cash4Gold
Cash4Gold, have shocked Middle Earth by claiming that a supposedly ‘precious’ magical, golden ring contains very little actual gold.
World superpower throws dummy out of pram after not winning silly singing contest
A world superpower is throwing a major wobbler, after not winning a singing competition famed for being a bit daft.
Everton fans rejoice at prospect of new manager to blame for being rubbish
Everton fans have described themselves as ‘being over the fucking moon’, as they look forward to being able to blame a new manager for mediocre performances next season.
God confesses: Religion, not my best idea to be honest
The Lord God, the most high, majestic creator of Heaven and Earth and all that jazz has admitted his invention of religion was ‘just plain stupid’.
Gas powered barbecues ‘definitely cheating’ confirm experts
Barbecue experts from the Barbecue Organisation of Britain (BOOB) have today announced that gas powered barbecues are an abomination unto the nation’s bulldog spirit and that those using them are filthy despicable cheats.
AA and RAC insist world record traffic jam ‘can be beaten’
The AA and the RAC have issued a joint statement today calling on motorists across the UK to come together and ‘annihilate’ the world record for the longest traffic jam, this bank holiday weekend.
The Sun fails to apologise for incidents of accurate and almost responsible journalism
The Sun newspaper refused to apologise yesterday, despite renewed public scrutiny revealing it had failed to provide misleading and offensive stories on at least two occasions since 1995.
New claims London Marathon competitor used performance enhancing ‘zero-gravity’
Chichester man, Tim Peake, was embroiled in controversy yesterday after he admitted using performance enhancing ‘zero-gravity’ to run the London Marathon.
‘Three-day week definitely best for the over 40s’ insists 40-year-old man
A man who turned 40 yesterday, has claimed three-day working weeks are best for people who are his age or older.
Climate change sceptics to start denying ‘existence of moon’
Senior climate change sceptics have announced their intention to start denying the existence of the moon.
Liverpool and Manchester United ‘to kiss and make-up’
Liverpool FC and Manchester United have unexpectedly held a joint press-conference, announcing their intention to stop being total dicks about each other.
