Barbecue experts from the Barbecue Organisation of Britain (BOOB) have today announced that gas powered barbecues are an abomination unto the nation’s bulldog spirit and that those using them are filthy despicable cheats.
The statement comes at a time when UK temperatures are soaring to a point where it’s almost comfortable to sit outside in just a jumper, provided you’re sat in the sun and there’s no breeze.
“And we bloody well know what that means,” sniffs senior BOOB Simon Williams, 48, “an army of amateurs wheeling out their Megablaze eight burner gas powered cuntrosities, pretending they’re going to have a…”
Mr Williams wipes away a tear of frustration.
“A barbeque,” he finishes.
Under official BOOB guidelines, a true British barbecue can only be conducted with a 50% or higher chance of rain, and using either wood or charcoal.
Ideally the fuel should be slightly damp with widdle, following a neighbour’s cat getting into the shed.
“Anything less than that takes the adventure out of the occasion,” confirms Mr Williams.
“Nowadays you can go to barbecues without skyspit on your head and without children shrieking about how long it’s taking to get fed. It lacks authenticity. People are actually starting to enjoy the fucking things!”
However, Mr Williams acknowledges that BOOB has an uphill struggle on its hands to reverse the dark tide of easy gas barbecues.
“Even the bastard missus has bought one,” he confesses, shaking his fist at her. “Jezebel, Harpy! Traitoress!”
Mrs Williams rolls her eyes. “Oh give over love, and have a burger,” she says.
But Mr Williams is unimpressed. “It’s not even pink in the middle,” he complains, peeling it apart.
“I mean how the fuck am I supposed to get food poisoning from that?”