Liverpool FC and Manchester United have unexpectedly held a joint press-conference, announcing their intention to stop being total dicks about each other.
“We just thought all this arguing about who’s the best was a bit pointless,“ Jurgen Klopp said, managing not to sound about like an over-stimulated kangaroo for almost five minutes.
“I mean, it’s just a bit of a kick about at the end of the day.”
“Spot on that man,” Van Gaal added, briefly dropping his impression of a stoned Terminator.
“Arguing about who’s best at kicking a tiny, leather sphere into a great big fucking net, shouldn’t lead to Daily Mail levels of cartoonish bigotry.”
Then the Manchester United manager looked wistfully into the middle distance and added, “We can surely do better than that.”
But Simon Williams, a fourth generation Liverpool fan from Norwich disagreed.
“Being a tribal twat is what being a football fan is all about,” he said.
“When my sister said she thought Wayne Rooney looked nice, the shame was unbearable.
“Beating her to death with a knobbly potato was the only way I could restore my family’s honour.”
However both Liverpool and Manchester United remain adamant about leaving their bitter rivalry in the past.
“You know, along with our trophies and chances of league glory and stuff,” Van Gaal added.