Swathes of God-fearing Christians across the United States were jubilant yesterday, as the living embodiment of pure evil, Donald Trump, effectively secured the Republican nomination for the presidency.
Clues to Donald Trump’s true Hellish origin have long been apparent, from his birth into fantastic wealth and privilege, his name meaning ‘emitting a slight whiff of sulphur’ and, of course, the fact that he is essentially a total c*nt.
However, these attributes have for some reason endeared him to religious fruitloops across the United States.
“It’s just brilliant,” Christian Chuck Williams gushed, “with his hate-filled, bigoted views on just about every subject imaginable, Donald Trump’s message stands in complete opposition to Jesus’s teachings of love, fellowship, peace and goodwill.
“As such it perfectly reflects the thoughts and feelings of all decent God-fearing American Christians like myself.
“That’s why so many of us support Trump, even though there’s clearly something a bit iffy about him.
“Like how demonically red his face goes when he’s found a new group to castigate, insult and incite others to hate.”
When asked whether Donald Trump’s presence on the world stage could herald an apocalyptic confrontation with fellow maniac, Vladimir “look at my manly moobs” Putin, Mr Williams looks as though he might shit himself in sheer joy.
“Oh wouldn’t that be wonderful!
“Because as a believer in Jesus Christ, I’ll be raptured straight into heaven leaving everyone else to wither and suffer unimaginably in the radioactive carnage wrought by the votes of good Christians like myself.
“It’s what a loving God would want, I’m sure.”