A man who has spent most of today groaning sweet nothings to his toilet has admitted that in retrospect, that last pint last night was a fucking stupid idea.
Vomit-stained trainee alcoholic Simon Williams, 39, popped out to his local with a mate last night, woke up in a kebab at 6 AM this morning and has since spent more quality hugging time with his bog, than he’s shared with his wife in the last ten years.
“It was supposed to be just a couple of swifties,” Mr Williams wretched, holding a cold flannel over the chilli sauce burns covering half his face.
“Me and Tony, a bit of a catch-up, some mutual efforts at making the other one feel like an inadequate prick disguised as banter, and then straight home. Just an average bloke’s night out.
“Then in walks Matty and Mark who we haven’t taken the piss out of in ages, so a couple turned into a couple in every pub in a two-mile radius, and the next thing I know is every single fucking contour of a piece of bathroom porcelain.
“So yeah, now I think about it, when Matty suggested we finish off with a coke or lemonade and we all laughed and called him a muppet-faced wussguts, then bought the strongest pint we could find along with aftershock chasers…
“Well, that was actually pretty fucking dumb. So damn that last pint. Damn it to hell.”
However, Simon’s wife Dawn has a different assessment of the situation.
“I don’t think the last pint was the fucking problem,” she explained.
“I think it was the ten the stupid arsehole had before it.