Donald Trump has signed an Executive Order officially changing the Pledge of Allegiance to promise “liberty and justice for some”, bringing the wording into line with current US government policy.
Reform UK has announced plans to prioritise British-born workers when allocating social housing, with the party reportedly considering a new system based on the Dulux colour chart.
Prime Minister Andy Burnham has announced that he has found a “revolutionary solution” to the UK’s £3 trillion debt problem, after exchanging a series of messages with a Nigerian prince, who says he has a fortune sitting in an account and “just needs a little help getting it out”.
Reform UK has unveiled plans to save £50 billion by abolishing the benefits system and replacing it with a bold new approach based on the principle that if you can’t afford to live, it’s your own fault, and you should have planned better.
Millions of women have filed a lawsuit against God, alleging that His treatment of women amounts to “the longest-running case of sex discrimination in history.”
The House of Lords has voted to back a move to ban under-16s from social media platforms, despite the apparent fact that many peers remain unclear on what social media actually is, or indeed whether it requires a stamp.
While most of us will spend Christmas Day eating too much and pretending to enjoy board games with our families, we should spare a thought for those less fortunate – like 65-year-old Andrew, who will be spending the festive season entirely on his own.
In what’s being described as ‘the most unwelcome comeback since Measles’, the BBC has confirmed that Prince Andrew and his ex-wife Sarah Ferguson will replace Claudia Winkleman and Tess Daly as the new hosts of Strictly Come Dancing.
In a stunning display of international cooperation and abject futility, it has emerged that the UK’s much-vaunted ‘one-in, one-out’ migrant treaty with France has resulted in precisely zero net removals, thanks to one particularly determined Iranian national.
In a move that has left historians, architects, and interior designers collectively shaking their heads, President Trump has officially begun turning the White House into what insiders are calling ‘Donald’s Mad House.’
Palace insiders report that King Charles endured the most disappointing teatime since the cucumber sandwiches ran out at Sandringham in 1987, after being tricked into meeting Prince Harry while under the impression he would be hosting Paddington Bear.
Former Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn has sparked a frenzy of online creativity after asking supporters to help name his new political party.
After the UK government announced that all new civil service interns must be from working-class backgrounds, anyone without first-hand experience of a Wetherspoons will be immediately withdrawn from consideration.
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