Women sue God for sex discrimination after ‘millennia of unequal terms & conditions’

Millions of women have filed a lawsuit against God, alleging that His treatment of women amounts to “the longest-running case of sex discrimination in history.”

The 4,000-page claim accuses the Almighty of creating a world in which women have to suffer sexual harassment, unequal pay, and meetings where a man repeats exactly what they said five minutes earlier before being hailed as a visionary.

God is also accused of allocating “all the enjoyable biological features” to men while leaving women with a body which forces them to endure decades of periods, childbirth and menopause – while still being expected to do 90% of the housework and childcare, and arrive at work “full of positive energy.” 

Lead claimant Simone Williams told reporters, “Men get the ability to pee standing up, while we get a monthly subscription to pain. How is that fair? And why are the people who can grow a baby from scratch also expected to smile while a colleague mansplains spreadsheets?”

Among the evidence submitted to the court were complaints about labour pains, morning sickness, hot flushes, and the very existence of underwired bras. It also questions why women were issued with breasts – described in the claim as “the only body part capable of simultaneously causing back pain, unwanted attention and a row about dress codes.”

The lawsuit also asks why women are expected to shave multiple body parts while men are allowed to look like “an untamed hedge with opinions.”

Lawyers also highlighted discrimination in the workplace, where women are still more likely to be interrupted, talked over, expected to make the tea, or told they’re “too emotional” by a man who has just punched his keyboard because Excel crashed.

The claim further alleges that God bears indirect responsibility for misogyny, as although the Bible states ‘the workman is worthy of his hire’, He still allows women to be paid around 13% less.

Counsel for the Almighty denied all allegations, insisting that humans were given free will. 

The judge agreed that free will probably explained misogyny but observed that periods, childbirth and menopause looked “more like a management decision.”

The women are seeking compensation, equal pay, pain-free childbirth, a menopause patch that actually works, pockets in all clothing, and an explanation for why men’s clothes cost less despite containing more fabric.

At the time of publication, millions of men had grunted sympathetically before asking, “What’s for dinner?”