‘Spare a thought for those who will be alone this Christmas’ urges 65-year-old Andrew

While most of us will spend Christmas Day eating too much and pretending to enjoy board games with our families, we should spare a thought for those less fortunate – like 65-year-old Andrew, who will be spending the festive season entirely on his own.

We spoke to Andrew, who had been hoping to attend the traditional family Christmas gathering, but says he was ‘cruelly and inexplicably’ left off the invite list this year.

“I used to go every year,” Andrew said. “Big family Christmas. Turkey, crackers, awkward silences. But my brother decided I’m not welcome anymore. He says it’s because of ‘everything’, but we all know what this is really about.”

Andrew lowered his voice.

“Jealousy. I was mummy’s favourite.”

According to Andrew, his brother has been inventing reasons to exclude him for years.

“Last Christmas he claimed I couldn’t come because he thought one of my Chinese friends was a spy,” Andrew recalled.

“Which is obviously racist. He gets that from our father – he was always making inappropriate remarks to foreign dignitaries. Very embarrassing.”

The family rift has even led to Andrew being forced to move house.

“My brother says I’ve brought shame on the family,” he explained. “Just because I used to associate with a convicted sex offender. And because of those completely baseless allegations about me sexually assaulting a 17-year-old.”

Andrew shook his head, “I can prove it didn’t happen. I had a cast-iron alibi. I never met the girl. Apart from that one photograph of us together. And the flight logs. And the witnesses. But other than that – there is no evidence I ever met her.”

Andrew says he resolved the situation in the calm, rational manner of an innocent man.

“I didn’t sweat over it,” he said. “I simply got mummy to pay £12 million to settle it quietly out of court. Which is exactly what you’d expect from someone with absolutely nothing to hide.”

Gazing through one of the many windows of his new home on a private Norfolk estate, Andrew sighed.

“So it looks like I’ll be pulling my cracker all by myself this Christmas. Even Fergie – the stray I took in a few years ago – has buggered off. And I honestly never thought I’d get rid of her.”

He paused, looking thoughtfully into the distance.

“So yes, it’s going to be a very lonely Christmas. Unless Emily Maitlis pops round for a little chat.”

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