‘One in, one out’ deal goes round in circles as same migrant returns for 42nd time

In a stunning display of international cooperation and abject futility, it has emerged that the UK’s much-vaunted ‘one-in, one-out’ migrant treaty with France has resulted in precisely zero net removals, thanks to one particularly determined Iranian national.

Sources inside the Home Office confirmed that the government initially celebrated the removal of 42 ‘illegal arrivals’, but was forced to revise the figure after someone realised they were all the same man.

The determined migrant has been given the nickname ‘Hokey Cokey’ by exasperated Home Office officials, because, as one put it, “he’s in, out, in, out, and shaken it all about in small boats so many times.”

The migrant treaty between the UK and France, which was announced in July, was meant to show Britain was ‘getting tough’ on Channel crossings. Instead, insiders say the only thing being crossed more times than ‘Hokey Cokey’ and the Channel is the Prime Minister’s fingers.

A government spokesperson insisted the system was “working exactly as planned,” noting that, technically speaking, 42 removals had occurred. “Whether they were of the same individual,” they added, “is simply a matter of perspective.”

Meanwhile, French officials have reportedly begun referring to the arrangement as “le revolving door,” describing it as “a unique model of Anglo-French collaboration – one that achieves absolutely nothing, but does so with great efficiency.”

‘Hokey Cokey’ himself is said to be unphased by it all, reportedly telling French police, “You just turn around – that’s what it’s all about.”

A Home Office spokesman has said that ‘Hokey Cokey’ is currently ‘in’, but the government hopes he’ll be ‘out’ again very soon.

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