iPhone X to include revolutionary arsehole recognition technology
The new iPhone X will recognise the unique arsehole signature of its users and automatically log them in, according to details released today.
Commuters express concern as Thomas the Tank Engine falls to the power of Chaos
Residents of the island of Sodor have expressed concern today after Thomas the Tank Engine was corrupted by demons of the Warp and pledged his soul to the Ruinous Powers.
Dennis the Menace takes Jacob Rees-Mogg’s dinner money
Hotly-tipped future Prime Minister Jacob Rees-Mogg has been found blubbing in a cupboard after Dennis the Menace took his dinner money this morning.
Trump promises ‘bigger, stronger’ wall after wave of illegal immigrants break through
The President has pledged to build an even bigger, stronger wall after a wave of illegal immigrants broke through border defences.
Trump issues Presidential pardon to ‘satanic’ jailer
A controversial jailer accused of keeping the souls of the eternally damned in ‘inhuman’ conditions has been pardoned by the President today.
Standalone Obi-Wan film to focus on heroin addiction and petty crime
The forthcoming ‘young Obi-Wan’ movie will be about his youth of petty crime on the planet Glastooine, Lucasfilm has announced.
“I’m an eclipse!” tweets Trump
The President of the United States has adorably claimed to be an eclipse in a widely-shared tweet today.
Death metal one-man-band fails to outrage town centre shoppers
A rendition of Cannibal Corpse’s ‘Tomb of the Mutilated’ on ukelele and kazoo has failed to shatter the complacency of town-centre shoppers today.
Donald Trump shaken after discovering the concept of ‘ladders’
A critical flaw in the Mexico Wall plan is being painstakingly explained to the President today.
