After the Met Office announced that 2025 is likely to be the warmest year on record, self-taught environmental researchers have insisted that this can’t be true as they had to wear socks in bed last night.
The Trump administration has finally released its long-promised cache of Jeffrey Epstein files, after spending several weeks carefully blacking out every single reference to Donald Trump, his friends, his properties, his planes, his golf courses, and any time Epstein was within a 500-mile radius of Mar-a-Lago.
The release of thousands of newly unsealed Epstein-related documents yesterday has sent shockwaves through absolutely no one, after one file appeared to show former US President Bill Clinton relaxing in a hot tub with a much younger adult woman.
The White House has confirmed that President Donald Trump’s rumoured surprise, unannounced visit to Walter Reed National Military Medical Center was not, as “fake news losers” speculated, for medical reasons, but to collect what aides are calling “the most prestigious cognitive honour in human history.”
The online incel community has taken a break from blaming women for their ongoing failures in life to issue a collective tantrum over the government’s attempts to eradicate misogyny in young men, insisting that just because incel culture is a toxic, rage-filled echo chamber doesn’t mean it should be destroyed.
Donald Trump has announced plans to sue Truth Social after it published a post written by Donald Trump that used his own words to “completely misrepresent” him.
Father Christmas is the latest high-profile figure to become embroiled in controversy around the illegal monitoring of members of the public, after claims he’s been watching millions of children without permission.
Jesus Christ has issued a firm clarification this week, politely asking Tommy Robinson and his followers to stop using his name in promotional material, chants, carol services, or “whatever that whole Christmas nationalism thing is meant to be.”
A Reform UK council leader has insisted that any racism he may or may not have expressed online was delivered in a polite, measured and above all, emotionally considerate manner, placing it firmly within what the party now appears to regard as “best practice racism”.
David Lammy has moved to reassure the public that they have “absolutely nothing to worry about” following his announcement that jury trials will be quietly fed into the justice system’s shredder, beginning with offences carrying sentences of less than three years.
A Surrey family who say they are “on the brink financially” after the introduction of Rachel Reeves’ so-called mansion tax have been urged to take some simple lifestyle steps, including cancelling Netflix, eating fewer avocados and “perhaps accepting they don’t need a wine cellar and a cinema room”.
Reform UK has announced a bold new addition to its merchandise empire: a limited edition £345 black football shirt, helpfully described as “heritage-inspired” and “unapologetically strong on visuals”.
A man who has spent the last twelve months bellowing about the need to “protect our vulnerable kids” has expressed deep, incandescent rage at the discovery that the government’s budget will lift 400,000 children out of poverty by removing the two-child benefit cap.
Britain’s emergency services have today confirmed a sharp spike in calls from Britain’s wealthiest postcodes following the Chancellor’s announcement of a new mansion tax, with several incidents involving crystal decanters “launched with real venom” at unsuspecting chandeliers.
After Twitter added a new feature that showed the locations of many high-profile, well-followed MAGA accounts to be outside the United States, Elon Musk has insisted this was his plan all along.
Scotland have qualified for next year’s World Cup finals after revealing that they only score worldies now.
The Labour government has today reassured the nation that it is still definitely, absolutely, unquestionably “the good guys”, despite unveiling a brand-new plan to fund asylum accommodation by relieving desperate refugees of anything that looks like it could fetch a decent price on Antiques Roadshow.
Despite previously dismissing the idea that Santa’s naughty list even exists, leading North Pole officials have today called for its release to the public.
A 73-year-old man who has spent the past decade accusing millennials and Gen Z of being “pathetic little snowflakes” has reportedly had an emotional breakdown after being referred to as a “boomer” by a barista less than half his age.
After UK unemployment rate rose to 5%, figures have shown that the amount of time that the government spends blaming everyone but themselves has also seen a sharp increase.
The need to publicly signal your virtues through ostentatious displays of support for ideas you think have value is nothing but a liberal cancer, according to the guy in the pub desperate for you to acknowledge his over-sized poppy.
Donald Trump is giving everyone a free handout of government money, after falling under the influence of NYC mayor-elect Zohran Mamdani.
Producers of the hit drama Prison Break have confirmed a gritty UK-based reboot, in which protagonist Lincoln Burrows no longer tunnels through walls, outruns machine-gun fire, or hides cryptic maps in his tattoos. Instead, he’ll stroll out the front door after being accidentally released by prison admin because someone “clicked the wrong bit on the spreadsheet.”
In a shock development certain to leave Britain’s legal scholars clutching their wigs in disbelief, supporters of far-right activist Tommy Robinson have announced that the UK justice system is no longer “two-tier”.
A man who spent hours last night posting on social media about terrorism, migrants and his desire to ‘deport the lot of them’, has been left despondent after police confirmed the two suspects are British nationals and the incident is not being treated as terrorism.
Donald Trump has confirmed that the best way to prove his commitment to global peace is by blowing massive holes in the desert with nuclear weapons.
Elon Musk has found himself facing questions over his apparent support for a man who went to prison for trying to sneak into the United States on a fake passport. Musk, who has previously railed against “the invasion” of the United States by people illegally crossing the border, seemed far less outraged when faced with
A man from Stoke-on-Trent has been left “deeply unsettled” after discovering that people who aren’t white continue to appear in television adverts.
In a bold step to prevent any future accusations of taking Russian bribes, Reform UK has announced it will now accept political donations exclusively in untraceable cryptocurrency. The innovative move will ensure that nobody, not even Interpol, can ever prove where their ‘donations’ came from ever again. The acceptance of crypto donations follows the conviction
After Office for Budget Responsibility’s showed that Brexit had results in a 4% hit to the British economy, Brexit supporters are furious that people keep pointing out that the things they were told would happen if we voted to leave the EU are now actually happening.
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