Boris Johnson paints lovely still life of a report on Covid failures that he doesn’t give a fuck about

In a large Spanish villa kindly provided by someone he gave a life peerage too, the Prime Minister has shown the world his artistic side by creating an impressionist watercolour of an MP’s report into all the people his ineptitude killed and that he’ll never read because it’s boring.

Art connoisseur Simon Williams, who got to see the painting while dropping off some hampers full of £2,000 chickens and other ludicrously overpriced tidbits, said it showed that Boris Johnson had a knack for transposing traits, like indolence, onto the canvas.

“It’s searingly emotional in the way he evokes the complex and dramatic history of the government’s unprecedented failure to deal with COVID, but also makes the casual viewer subconsciously aware that he could not give a toss about dead Britons.

“His subtle use of colours and shading reveal an artist deeply troubled by annoying statisticians disturbing his holiday with boring nonsense of killing more Brits through incompetence than the Luftwaffe did with bombs.

“One look and you can really feel the anguish of someone who wants to swan around lovely homes paid for by someone else but is constantly nagged by officials claiming it’s his job to lead the country.”

The painting is said to depict a report still perfectly aligned tossed onto a desk with a wine glass resting on it. Also, like all great artists, Boris Johnson has left a secret message hidden in the painting. Eagle-eyed viewers focusing at a tiny reflection on the wine glass might discern a rotund mop-haired figure having a wank in his office while Matt Hancock is made to watch.

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