I am the final bastion of truth, and my word is my bond, insists Michael Gove

Michael Gove has accused social media of distorting the truth, insisting that he and only he can be considered a source of news that is entirely beyond reproach.

Speaking during an interview in which he defended the government’s against accusations that it had removed animal protections by legislating that they are not sentient beings, Gove said his word should be gospel.

He went on, “Honestly, I don’t know why I don’t have a team of people following me round documenting these nuggets of wisdom like that North Korean chap.

“If you look across social media it’s nothing but fake news and distortiona of the things that I have previously said.

“Sure, I stood in front of a bus promising £350m for the NHS, but it was worded in a manner that was ambiguous enough to give me sufficient wiggle room to save my political career.

“And when I said Turkey would be joining the EU any day now, I didn’t specify which day, which could be in thirty years, so in cosmic terms that is the blink of an eye.

“And of course when I said the EU was putting together it’s own army, there is no proof that that isn’t happening behind closed doors – you can’t prove it’s not happening, can you. See, this is exactly what I mean.

Communications experts have said that Gove complaining about untruths on social media hints at the sort of testicle size previously not considered possible.

As one explained, “Seriously, to sit there and say those words when the Internet is flooded with images of him in front of the Brexit bus? Huge balls. Massive.”

However Gove went on, “Look, this whole ‘governing the nation’ thing would go so much more smoothly if you all just took the words I say as the definitive truth, and stopped asking questions.

“Questioning my word is treachery. You’ll read about that in tomorrow’s Mail.”