In a move calculated to defuse a growing social media campaign against the Tories, trusted man-of-the-people Michael Gove gave his word that he would make law the animal sentience clause that his party had just voted not to make law.
The popular and respected Minister issued a statement aimed at clarifying the Conservative Party’s stance on animal rights.
“There is a common misconception that our party is against declaring animals as sentient beings because we spoke out about it in the house and then voted against it.
“But it is because we love animals so much that we blocked a law that stops people being as cruel as they wish to them.
“That way we can one day create a super strong law in the future that would recognise them as equals. The animals are safe. I stand behind them and there is no friend more loyal than me.”
Animal rights activist Simon Williams immediately accepted Michael Gove’s word and instructed his social media followers to do the same.
“Initially I thought it was standard Tory evildoing. Legalising cruelty to animals so they can indulge in their hobbies of ripping foxes to shreds, making Rottweilers fight badgers or sodomising pelicans.
“But now that Mike has given his word, I can rest easy. He said that Britain would lead the world in Animal Welfare and Michael Gove knows more than anyone how to make our country respected by other nations.
“I mean just one look at his face tells you he’s one of life’s winners.”