Trump nomination forces Canada to set fire to itself

Canada has opted for a prolonged fiery death rather than live next door to a country run by a toxic bellend.

As Donald J Trump all but confirmed his Republican nomination, the city of Fort McMurray was the first to lob a cigarette end into an area of dense, parched forest.

Toronto, Vancouver and the one with the vaguely French-sounding name are expected to follow.

In the province of Alberta, queues a mile long were reported at stores selling flammable liquids.

Celebrities have also rallied around the cause with noteworthy Canadian songstress, Celine Dion, the first to leave a chip pan unattended.

Canada’s Prime Minister Justin Trudeau confirmed his nation was conducting a ‘scorched earth’ policy before Trump decides to invade.

Meanwhile, singer Bryan Adams was forced to postpone recording his twenty-ninth studio album when a group of session musicians spontaneously combusted.

Trudeau added, “Swings and roundabouts.”