Plastic derides Britain’s half-arsed attempts to manage without it

The current move to ‘deplastify’ daily life because a weird combination of David Attenborough and the Daily Mail told us to is a load of old bollocks, it has emerged.

“You want to manage without me?” chuckled Simon Williams, a discarded piece of cracked polypropylene from a package of soup in the house of Nigel Walker, who doesn’t like plastic.

“Go on, try. You can’t – I’m everywhere. The living room carpet, the storage boxes, the Lego, the car seats – it’s all me.

“Well, strictly speaking, it’s all us, since there are over 100 different commercial polymers in circulation and anyway, most life-cycle studies show that plastics are actually better for the environment than other materials, but I don’t want to confuse your minuscule brains any further.

“Make yourself a nice cup of tea and think about it Nige – oops, no don’t, because I’m used as a sealant in tea bags too. Mwahahahahaa.”

Williams agreed that extracting 20 million years worth of decayed microorganisms out of the ground every year to turn into ‘tat’ probably isn’t a long-term option, but added that maybe humanity ought to try something practical, like not dumping him in the fucking sea for example.

Walker said, “Look, I’m all for doing my bit for the environment, obviously.

“I’m actually thinking about having my milk delivered in glass bottles by a cheery rogue in a van instead of buying it in high-density polyethylene containers, but it’s about 15p a pint more expensive and I’m afraid he might have sex with my wife.”

Advertisement

NewsThumpNotebooks

Somewhere to write down everything that’s wrong with the world. You may need several.

See the full collection →