“The book said IF I did it… IF,” pleads OJ Simpson to Saint Peter after being stopped at the pearly gates

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In an unexpected celestial legal challenge, the recently deceased O.J. Simpson has reportedly been halted at the Pearly Gates by a stern-looking Saint Peter wielding a dog-eared copy of Simpson’s infamous book, “If I Did It.”

Eyewitnesses floating on nearby clouds claim the atmosphere was tenser than a Family Fortunes final round as Simpson, found not guilty by an earthly jury of his peers, discovered that heavenly justice operates on a slightly different legal code.

“Look, the title is ‘If I Did It’… emphasis on the ‘if’,” Simpson argued, sweating more than when he tried on that glove.

“It’s a hypothetical, Pete. You know, a conjecture, a supposition!”

Saint Peter, known for his no-nonsense approach since that unfortunate business with the rooster and Peter the Apostle, was not swayed by the sports-star-turned-almost-actor’s defence. Holding up the book, Saint Peter pointed to the cover.

“It’s not the best look to be the author of a hypothetical murder manual at your final judgment, my son,” he remarked.

Sources close to the metaphysical barrier said Simpson tried several defensive plays, including the classic ‘I was acquitted in a court of law,’ but found that the pearly legal system prefers moral certainty over reasonable doubt.

“Even here, we watched the trial. The angels made popcorn. Big fans of the courtroom drama genre,” commented one seraph, who preferred to remain anonymous.

“But we all agreed; writing a ‘how-I-would-have-done-it’ guidebook ahead of your own judgment day? Bold move.”

As of press time, Simpson was seen negotiating a plea deal that involved joining a heavenly choir and a commitment to an eternity of community service, possibly involving finding the real killers within the confines of paradise.

Saint Peter, meanwhile, was last seen updating the entrance criteria to include a new clause: “No authors of hypothetical confessionals allowed.

“Also, no Kardashians.”