A billion years of evolutionary development leaps into action to trigger man’s panic response after he forgets to take his phone to the toilet

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A billion years of evolutionary development sprang into action yesterday, after Basingstoke resident Simon Williams experienced a full-blown panic response following the realisation he had gone to the toilet without his smartphone.

Experts are calling it a “milestone in human evolution,” as Williams’ amygdala, the part of the brain responsible for the fight-or-flight response, took centre stage in what scientists are describing as an “a masterpiece of brain chemistry versatility.”

Dr Emily Matthews, a neuroscientist specialising in stress responses, told us, “What we witnessed was the culmination of eons of evolutionary progress, all working in harmony to prepare Simon for this exact moment of terror.

“Our ancestors fought saber-toothed tigers, braved harsh environments and faced life-threatening dangers on an almost daily basis, but none of that compares to the sheer dread of being alone with one’s thoughts for more than a few moments.”

Williams, who found himself stranded with nothing but shampoo bottles to read, described the experience as “utterly harrowing.”

He added, “I felt this primal fear, it came from my very soul, just like my ancestors must have felt when they were hunted by predators and had accidentally left their phones at home.”

The incident triggered an outpouring of adrenaline and cortisol, stress hormones that historically prepared humans to either fight for their lives or run for safety. Today, these same chemicals prepared Williams to confront the existential dread of not scrolling through social media while sitting on the throne.

“This event is a testament to the human body’s remarkable ability to adapt and respond to perceived threats, no matter how trivial they may seem to the rest of us,” Dr Matthews explained.

“It’s clear that our evolutionary journey has led us to this point, where forgetting a smartphone can mobilise a response usually reserved for those being chased by a lion.”

In response to the incident, experts are now calling for the development of emergency reading materials to be left in bathrooms to prevent future amygdala-related crises.

Meanwhile, Williams has vowed never to enter the bathroom unarmed again, stating, “I’ve learned my lesson. From now on, my phone and I are inseparable, no matter the destination.”