Dear Enoch, when I grow up I want to be just like you, by Nigel Farage, aged eight-and-three-quarters

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From the archives: 29th November, 1972.

Dear Mr Powell, I hope this letter finds you in tip-top shape, much like the British Empire in its heyday, a bit crumbly around the edges but still full of beans! My name is Nigel Farage, and I am 8 years old. I am writing to you because I have decided, after much thought, that when I grow up, I want to be just like you!

Firstly, I must say, I greatly admire your speeches, especially that “Rivers of Blood” one. I tried to recite it in school, but Mrs. Jenkins sent me to the corner. I think she just doesn’t appreciate the art of public speaking like you do. I told her that, but she didn’t seem to agree. Adults, am I right?

You see, Mr. Powell, I’ve been practicing my frown in the mirror every day, trying to look as serious and thoughtful as you. My mum says I’m going to get wrinkles, but I told her it’s a small price to pay for greatness. Also, I’ve started a collection of tweed jackets. I only have two so far (one’s a bit big), but I’m getting there!

I’ve been reading a lot about your views on immigration. I’m not entirely sure what it all means, but I’ve decided to start small by campaigning against the French exchange student, Pierre, in my class. He keeps bringing weird sandwiches to school, and I think it’s only right that someone takes a stand.

Also, I’m working on my own version of your speeches. I call it “Streams of Mud” – it’s about the horrors of playing football in the rain, but really it’s about all the brown players that seem to be cropping up these days. I think it has a similar ring to it, don’t you?

I must mention, your ideas about the European Economic Community are absolutely spot-on. I’m not sure what it is exactly (is it like a really big grocers?), but I’m against it too! If it’s not British, it’s not for me. That’s my motto (well, that and “I’m not touching that foreign muck!”).

I have seen you looking marvellous on the television, and I have been thinking about using all this new technology to try and imitate you. I believe the television will be a wonderful tool to get our message out to the masses. Have you ever thought about going on television and showering in the nude, or eating the genitals of a recently deceased marsupial? I have a sneaking suspicion such a move might prove very persuasive in getting our views across.

In conclusion, Mr. Powell, you are my hero. You speak your mind, no matter what, even when you know it’s unnecessarily cruel to already demonised minorities, and that’s something I really admire. I’m working on being more like you every single day. I’ve even started using words like “sovereignty” and “legislation” in sentences. I don’t entirely know what they mean, but they sound important.

Mr Williams, the Geography teacher, didn’t particularly like it when I told him I wouldn’t be taking part in the latest group project because I wanted to retain my sovereignty. But I don’t care, it’s the principle that matters more than any of the other trivial details such as ‘you won’t be able to complete the work on your own’

Thank you for being such an inspiration to me, and children just like me – even if there aren’t very many of us. I look forward to the day when I can make speeches, wear tweed jackets, and frown with the best of them, just like you!

Yours sincerely, Nigel Farage, aged 8 (and three-quarters)