World bird population shows first signs of man-flu pandemic

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The world’s agricultural communities are braced for a global avian catastrophe as the first man-flu cases are reported among the bird population.

With man-flu symptoms now reported in birds across two continents, there is concern this outbreak will reach global pandemic proportions.

“It’s extremely difficult to spot,” said US aviarist farmer Brad Shelton, 42.

“It might look just like a minor case of the sniffles to the untrained female eye, but you can spot man-flu by the moaning, lolling about and the sufferer’s demands for continuous sympathy from the other birds.

“Keep an eye out for any behaviour that suggests the bird is trying to communicate a sense of their own imminent death, whilst being completely ignored by the females.

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“If you have a sufferer, it’s best to keep them isolated.

“Not because of the risk of infection, but the symptoms seem to get worse when they know another bird can see them.”

Veterinarians have suggested a series of steps that should be taken by you and any birds you keep if you suspect one of your birds has man-flu.

“Female birds would do well to recognise the suffering of the male, and do their best to comfort them.

“If the sufferer had any unpleasant upcoming events, it is recommended you tell the bird it no longer has to do them.

“A blanket, some soup, and complete control over the television have worked well in control groups.”

Doctors are recommending vigilance as they seek to eliminate the possibility of a man-flu to bird-man-flu back-to-man-flu crossover.

“Such a strain could be deadly,” said the UK’s Chief Medical Officer.

“True, there have not been any actual recorded fatalities from human man-flu.

“But this is as much to do with the resilience of the male population than the frankly piss-poor medical treatment received by patients.”